30/12/08

I thinking so much right now. What should I do to let that feeling become fade? I don't know. Maybe I have to be strong. I don't like to face it yet I MUST face it. Already choose to believe then have to trust everything. But it is a a lie between believe.

Keep on persuade myself not to think so much. I hope everything will be fine. I got no mood to know and got no mood to get that properly. No need to ask why. This is fact. Haha. I'm useless. I can't do anything. I just do nothing. For myself.

I don't know what I trying to say right now. I just know my heart feels pain. I wan to endure it but my tears running off in my eyes. How to stop my tears and pretend to become stronger? I need his hand. Who can rescue me for now moment.

23/12/08

Don't know what to say. My heart feels pain suddenly. I don't want to let him go. But must support him. I love him, more than she did.

Back

I'm back from Taiwan. 1 more week to go. Jia You. Ykw sure wky. Don't cry ya.

Taiwan's night

Taiwan~
I miss him so much. I don't know what to do now. Close my eyes and his everything will appear. Jia You. Don't cry.

Stars

Tonight got bright stars. So long time I never look at the dark dark sky. I feeling so tired. Don't know what to say. Maybe this is what I think too much. I too sensitive on this kind of things. I don't know what to do anymore. Let everything be like usual. Everything will end up easily. Bring so suffer to maintain.

I thought I can stay stronger than what I did, yet I am still a looser. Ykw still not wky. Useless. Stop my tears and stop crying. Everything just worthless to do like this. Jia You no matter how hard it is. Go for it because this is my life. My own life I have to go forward. Don't cry. Cannot cry.

Life now!

Doing something totally meaningless. I agreed what he said that day. Wtf m i doing?! I really failure failure and still failure. Cannot think so much yet I thinking so much so much and still so much!!!! Cannot cry no matter how. Endure it. No time to struggle anymore. Jia You.

14/11/08

Happy Birthday to my dearest brothers!! Owen + Beckham



I'm still a looser. Cannot cry. Must stay strong. Don't let ANYTHING influence my mood. I have to work hard for SPM. Jia You. Don't cry.

12/11/08

Happy Birthday yo my Darling Evan Yo..

04/11/08

Why I still cry? I don't know. I thought I will be nothing. Haha. I'm useless. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is just a lie. I hate myself. I hate to being controlled by him. Endure the pain and persuade myself don't think of him. Jia You. Let everything be like usual. But I only realized that sorry is so useful. Don't disturb my life anymore. Don't affect me anymore. I will leave. I swear I will. Jia You for yourself. Don't cry. I won't.

... blur..

I'm so blur right now. I thought I still can get him back as usual. Everything is just a lie right? Maybe. I don't know why I so stupid. Shouldn't think so much but I still think so much. Don't want think then fine. But why must choose this way to hurt me? I really don't know why. Try my best to ask you why but I get nothing as return. Wtf. I hate your way yet you keep on like that. Don't you know how much I miss you? Sure you don't know anything right? Faker! Just like to lie. I will leave. I want to leave. I feel suffer of this. Don't shed my tears anymore. I won't fall on you anymore. But now, I already seriously fall on you!!! Argh.. No save!

Mac book

It is 12.01 am right now. It is 24th. Haha. I miss him so much, But nvm, let it be like usual. Jia You my dear.

Just msg with my darling Hao just now. He gonna buy a new laptop. Apple wor, Mac book. Ceh. Sure he feels so happy lo with that. Suan liao. I am seriously no mood at all. Hate this kind of life! Don't think so much. Ykw Jia You.

22/10/08

I feeling so tired right now. Wtf m i doing right now? I really don't know. Shit myself I can't even concentrate on my history. Close my eyes and my mind full of him only. Being so guilty of that. I spoil everything right? Why wan to let me know? I rather choose not to know anything then I won't be so suffer.

Why I still like to cry? I hate it. Wanna stop my tears but they screamed out without my controlled. I hate to being controlled by him. I am still a failure. I really care of that! Why why why? I don't know. Why every times when we are silent then got someone wanna come and tel me something? Why every times like this? My heart not longer to stand for it anymore.

I feel so pain. I can't afford the pain yet I can't do anything. Wtf. Or maybe this is our fate? I don't know and don't want to know. Want to let it be but I can't let it be. I thought I'm strong enough to face it. But I only realized that I can't make it perfect. I trying to pretend. But I am just a foolish!

.......Never mind. Let the time get fade everything. After that I think I'll be fine. I will come back one day to become ykw. But I won't believe on guys anymore. No hope. Give me sometimes. I need time to get through it as well. But, before that, I still waiting for his words. Just that then I won't think so much. He knew that I'll think so much. So, this time I really gonna stop thinking anything. I just want to be myself. Study hard for my SPM. Jia You.

Don't cry anymore. Not worth at all. Yaya, cannot cry for him anymore. Don't drop any single tears for him anymore. ykw no more wky.

21/10/08

Don't know why I can't even memories the stupid history at all. Can say that i didn't even put the full concentration on that. My heart feels so pain of somethings. I found out that actually friends can really betray you no matter how good you treat them.

No need to talk so much of that anymore. For what did so much stupid useless things and get nothing as the return? Feeling so disappointed on that! Wtf m i busy for so long time? Really hate myself so much! Become moody because of this stuff and become stupid foolish because of this stuff! Some more makes people misunderstanding because of this stuff. Walao e! Can't tahan anymore! But what to do? Just can continue! Damn bull shit! Just let it be. Everything wil getting fine SOON. I hope so. Just hope that other people don't interrupt my plan. I don't want to lose everything. The feel is a pain. So pain.

Listening Kenji Wu's new song-- "ai tai tong" right now. The song's lyrics so suit for my feeling right now. I feel tired of everything. I don't know what I knew is truth or not. I just know that I realized something after someone told me something. Why I still like this? I don't know. Really don't know. I really cannot endure the pain yet I can't do anything. I promised I will believe on everything and won't leave without anything. But now, he is the one who leave without anything. Eyer. HATE IT! but I still believe on him.

So, let it be. After SPM everything will be fine. I hope so. But, how if it is not like this? I don't know how I will be if in the ends everything is just a lie. I surely can't accept it as usual. I swear I won't be normal. But how? Haha. I don't know. Never mind, times will let everything fade. I waiting the time to make me feeling better without him. I know I cannot let the other things influence me yet I will be influenced by that nonsense! So, this is my weakest way. I don't know how to get it better. He will mind that I become like this. And I will mind their thought.

Really feeling so tired. I miss him so much right now. Wanna him to talk with me then I surely will feel better. Persuading myself not to think so much. Just revise the memories then everything will be fine. SPM is just around the corner. I...... started to make down everything again. I can't find the confident back. I am seriously FAIL again. But must try my best to gain back everything. Must Jia You no matter how. Just endure after finish SPM. Don't cry anymore. Don't think anymore. Be like usual and normal. Keep smiling even though it is just pretend.

P/s: Feeling so tired. I am seriously going to fall. Give me your hands to hold me. Can you?

Thunder..

Was thunder loudly yesterday and just now! I don't know why I keep on waiting for his msg. But finally I get nothing. Why things turn like this? I m useless. Cannot think so much anymore. Just endure it and wait for everything settled. Jia You. Don't cry. I miss u, my 2023.

Love myself

I still like to cry. Don't know why I really feel suffer. I hate that feeling yet I can't do anything. Just let it be. Time will let everything get fade. I hope so. I will ask myself to wake up. Won't ever drop into the deep deep hole anymore. Close my eyes and love myself. I have to stay strong no matter how. ykw of course wky. Don't cry.

U know...

My stomach so pain right now! I need u right now. Where r u? Cannot endure the pain. SO PAIN! I wanna stop my tears. Cannot cry. Jia You.

P/s: 2023. Don't leave me alone. I hate that feeling. Don't you know?

14/10/08

Sitting on the chair and I knew she was looking at me. My heart pump so fast yet I felt her tears. I don't know what to say but I just hope that she will be fine. I can't be so selfish but I'm so selfish. Sorry to say that I really can't let off my hand. I love him. More than you do. I prefer failure than give up. This means I don't want to give up. Ykw must stay strong. Don't cry anymore. For my 2023, I miss you.

12/10/08

Don't know why I feel so tired. My heart and my soul. I am still a failure that I can't even treat everything as usual. When I get nothing as return, I only realized that everything is just a lie. It is only fake. I can't even stand of that. Trying my best to solve it as well yet I can't do anything. I just want to close my eyes to have a deep rest. Don't cry no matter how suffer it goes. Take my own time then I'll become more mature and sure will feel better. The stars sure bright. I miss that moment. Cannot think of that anymore. Yaya, I won't. Jia You. Don't cry.

P/s: I miss him so much right now. My 2023.

11/10/08

I don't know why things go like this. Sorry that I don't know how to do then I choose to quit. But now, I think properly already, I WON'T EVER PUT MY HAND OFF!! No way for me to do so. I will do what I want and follow my feel. Just be myself. Don't cry. Stop my tears and start everything. Jia You.

P/S: 2023. I will be here for you. Don't cry.

Finally~

Don't know why I feel like crying now. What for we put so much afford on it? It still FAIL! finally CANCEL. Haha, Predictable. Nobody knows that feeling. I don't know what to say. Tomorrow sure everyone ask WHY WHY WHY. I don't know how many times I gonna answer them. Just....... I don't know. My 2023. Faster talk with me. I need you right now!

For you

Happy Birthday. Just now chat with you. Don't know why I feel...... No words can explain my feel. My life is getting better now. So, you are nothing for me. I can treat you as usual already. Hby, Jia You. Ykw also Jia You.

P/S: When can I give you the chocolate cake? I still haven't forget yet. Miss you my friend.

05/10/08

Shouldn't be like this. I looked deep into her eyes. It is full of sadness and loneliness. Don't know why I feel like looking at her tears screaming out. Maybe we are just the same. Standing at the same point and doing the same thing. I.... am still a loser. Maybe this is the things I cannot get forever. I lost my confident. I no more courage to stand up. Who can hold my hand? And do help me this job? I don't want to be like this. Cannot be like this. I feel scare to close my eyes. I feel tired to stand like that. I am so tired. Ykw don't cry. Ya, cannot cry no matter how. I miss someone so much right now. Who far away from my sight. My 2023. Jia You.

Memory

I found out something. This makes my tears. I really get something from that. I can't be so selfish anymore. I can't continue anything anymore. Put my hand off. Let him be and set him free. He is really for her. They both look match to be couple. I sincerely feel so. Cannot think so much anymore. Cannot like that anymore. If not I won't ever get his smile again.

Endure the pain and stranglehold the feel. Don't cry. He won't be mine anymore. I have to wake up. Respect them and their memories. He can't even forget the past. No more anything for me. Just let everything as usual as nothing as normal. Close my eyes and get him out from my life. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Persuading myself not to miss him. Don't cry don't cry don't cry. Jia You.

P/s: For them and their memories. I will leave.

Mean what?

So many 'I miss you" mean what? I still thinking of a good answer. I miss him so much right now. But he is far far away from me. Learning to appreciate everything. If he meets me right now I swear I will hug him tight tight and won't ever let him go anymore. But, everything is just a dream. I started to do stupid things. Cannot like that anymore. Jia You. Don't cry.

Don't Cry

.... Cannot cry yet I can't stop my tears. I thought I am strong enough you accept that. I should have the preparation for that. I should know what the answer I will get. Yet I still giving hope to myself. Accident is really scary. I.... don't cry.

Can't sleep

Don't know what I'm waiting for. I stil doing something meaningless. Stomach still pain. Makes me can't sleep. I hate to being like this. Yet I don't know what to do. Keep on revise the same things. I .... realised that I am really alone.

So long time never stare at the sky and look at the stars. I miss the moment. So tired to keep the memory. But they already stay deeply in my heart. The scar will stil remain although the woes had been heal. Finally I get the point.

1.27am. Sure everyone sleeping. I .... still wordless. Something appear in my mind now. I think of him. But not miss him. Someone told me he just came back from Taiwan. Don't know why I feel strange on that. He never msg me when he is back. Honestly, my heart feels nothing at all. I just think of him but not our past. Maybe this is the way as we are friend.


P/s: My 2023. I miss him. So much for right now.

09/09/08

Having somtachache right now. So pain. Pain until my tears non-stop dropping. I thought I can endure the pain, yet I can't. I need someone to talk with me but I don't know who to find. Hate my life. So stress so pressure. I am so so so so so tired. Can't afford anymore. But what can I do? I am always alone. Nevermind. I am big girl, so won't cry. I have to stay strong no matter how. Cannot spoil my everything.

Listening Love Story right now. Haha. I miss that moment. Stranglehold everything then I will be fine. For my future. I need to Jia You. I have to Jia You. Don't cry no matter how suffer it goes. This is the purpose of life. Have to face it and solve it. After that will get more and more experience and will growth up become more mature. That's what I want. Don't cry.

P/s: I need someone right now to wipe my tears. But I don't know where he goes.

Life

Can't even concentrate on my studies. Don't know why I feel so tired. My heart or my soul. So hard to put on my smile again. I hate my life. Still that complicated. Bunches of works waiting for me to complete. I want to have a rest. Feel like rejecting myself with the world. Hate to listen to theirs' words. Hate to pretend. Hate to being like this. No more opprtunity to get through everything. Honestly, my heart can't afford anymore. Give me some times. I really want to take a good rest. Cannot cry. I have to stay strong. Must not soft down infront of anyone. ykw sure wky. Don't cry anymore. Ya, I won't cry.


P/s: I didn't compare with anyone, yet I did compared. Ykw no more wky.

....

Sometimes life is like this. We can't even predict anything. Maybe this is the last time for me to get through the deep thought. I have to think of it. But it is so hard to do so. Ykw not that strong enough anymore. My heart cannot afford anymore. So, just let it be. Let everything get fade rightly. Treat everything as normal as usual. No need to think so much of the possible way. Because it is only impossible. Everything will end up easily without anything. Endure that feeling and stranglehold the tears. I know I can do it. ykw sure wky. Some more, pretend is my talent. Kw's style. So I am tough enough to face anything. Cannot waste my tears anymore. Don't cry.


P/s: I miss someone, who deeply stay in my heart.

06/09/08

Don't cry


23+20... I can't forget about this... DON'T CRY!

Maybe

Still like that. My phone didn't rang. No his msg or call. Maybe I started to think so much right now. Being confused of this type of questions. I couldn't think this way yet I will think this way. I feel like crying. We are only stranger. I can't even feel his mind. His smile is lack of power. I can't feel the last time him anymore. Maybe this is the most best distance between us. Maybe maybe maybe. Cannot maybe anymore. No means no. I feel tired of this. Don't want to continue anything. Don't cry. Jia You.

2023

Finally I realized something. Why these few months he never want to talk with me. Stupid myself. The reason is only so so so simple. Luckily now I get know the truth and I will treasure everything. 4 months left. Jia You.

My life is so happy right now. Haha. My LO^3. Stupid kia. Don't ever expect he would change this in my contact. And he still get my PIN code. Dare he didn't get I will kill him. But I can't guess his msn password.

Just hope we are like normal. Don't want change back to last time. Didn't talk didn't smile. I scare that feeling so much. My 2023. I miss him so much now!!

Olympic---Badminton

Lin Dan won for the badminton champion. Our Lee Chong Wei got only silver. Haha. Expected. Actually I not believe that Lin Dan would won for that. I fully confident on Lee Chong Wei. Lee wor. Lee family ma. Yet we cant escape from the fate.

The whole Malaysia were so concentrated on this match because it is the world champion versus the world second. Sure interesting. Nobody can predict whether Lin or Lee will win. But finally, Malaysia's hope got spoiled! Don't ever put blame on Lee. He already tried his best. He got lots of pressure and he himself really push himself too much. Some more Lin did a good job. He is AMAZING. I didnt even see him so geng before! Lee really no more fight with him that day.

I feel like crying after the match ended. Whole Malaysia was down for that moment. Whole China was full of happiness. But we are proud of Lee. Olympic. Haha. No more lo. No matter how still support Lee. Thanks for bringing Malaysia and of course CHINESE so proud! Haha! Jia You.

Last night

I really crazy. Just drive out at night just to meet him for a while. He showed me his new spect. I realized something. My heart feels pain suddenly. He asked me drive carefully but I didn't turn my sight to him. I don't want him to see my tears. Haha. I'm strong infront of him.

I miss him for the whole day. Sat infront my pc and my tears drop again and again. His voice could made my tears. I read her blog and think of them. I shouldn't do like this. He still like her although I trust him that it is NO. I have no more courage to comfort myself. It is so pain when she looked at his eyes. I can't even follow their rhythm.

I don't want to know anything anymore. He said he will wait.... Wait for someone. I don't want to ask him who is the someone. I hate to know the truth. I just want to be someone beside him right now. As a GOOD FRIEND. I willing to do so. 4 more months to go. We have no more chances. But I just want to be myself. Just be myself infront of him.

I will Jia You although it is really without him. I waiting something to happen after our SPM. I don't want to see him suffering anymore. He and her really look match to be couple. I sincerely feel so. Don't cry anymore. I really cannot waste my tears anymore.

I miss his smile. But it is not mine.

Recntly

We both become so close recently. He likes to look at me and smile. I can feel the last time feeling yet I know I can't think so much anymore. Let everything be like usual then everything will be fine. I scare to lost him again in my life so I won't do anything. Be myself then it is enough. Maybe I'm too obvious but I just like to be myself.

He still like that. Like to say about other guys infront of me. No matter how hard I explained, he will never except and keep on saying again and again. I know I cannot control his mouth but I really feel like killing him when he say so. He should know I hate that feeling but he likes to play me by that way. I hate him that know how I feel but still pretending. When he pretend I feel like crying.

And I also like to say about her infront of him. He told me that she is his gf. My tears drop when I heard this. I don't know why I still so care abouth this. He is joking but I treat that as truth. She is just for him in his eyes. I'm only nothing. Ya, I have to accept the truth.

Keep on waiting and waiting for his msg just want to know everything about him. Ykw really failure. I can't even give up. Haiz. Really no more medicine to cure. I'm useless. I miss him so much right now. He got stomachache. I'm worry about him. Hope he will be fine when it is without me. My 2023. He can guess my PIN code. We got something in our heart. We are clear for this. I won't spread my own secret. I want to keep it. Jia you. Don't cry even though it is without him.

Mind

I dunno what he meant by that. My heart feels pain when get to know that things. He looked at me and smiled. He dunno why I feel so bad when I know something. I close my eyes so that he dunno I cried. Cannot like that. I have to stay strong. He is just nothing for me right now. Cannot think so much anymore. Dun ever feel anything when he really give me hope. I have to stop everything. He won't ever want me back at the end. Ykw Jia You. Don't cry anymore. Ya, I cannot waste my tears anymore.

08/08/08

Finally it is 08/08/08. Olympic. I'm so excited because CHINESE are proud for this. Yet, I'm still so stubborn waiting for his msg. I told him to msg me when he reached home but I didn get any msg from him. He don't know I'm worry bout him. Sure he treat that I won't ever care of him. Haha. Ykw really not important in his heart anymore.

P/s: 08/08/08. He never looked at me and smiled. I hate myself being like this. I miss him. So much right now.

04/08/08

I get to know something and I really really really realized. I know what else can I do. Waste my tears for the last time. My heart feels pain and hurt. Still like that. Still like to wait for his msg yet I know he won't msg me. Shit myself. Endure my pain and tears infront of him. It it so hard to pretend and act nothing. I'm not a good actress. Don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be myself. Just cry. Don't endure anymore.

wkybh

So tired for these days. I don't know what can I do to get myself awake from that feeling. I'm afraid that will influence my everything. I can't even take my time. It is still so fresh and pain. But he don't know anything.
Misunderstanding, It is too scary. I scare of his way when he really misunderstanding me. Haha. wkybh. everyone say it is hbykw. Ya. Inverted. But I didn't meant that. wo ke yi be happy = wkybh.
I fell like crying right now. Waiting for his msg but I know I can't get anything as the return. Stop giving me woes and wounds. I cannot hesitate anymore. Have to make an atual answer right now. Jia You.
I miss him so much. But I will set him free. No need to stay with me. Because he needs her. ya I know it is truth. Don't cry anymore. I won't cry. Be strong.

23/07/08

It is 23rd again. My god. I still think too much. I thought I'm okay, but I realized everything is just a lie. I'm lying myself to trust that I'm nothing. Being furious on this to myself. Wtf. I don't know what to do. I already tried myself to save everything. Yet, I got nothing again and again. I heard something he said. I never want to know what he meant, but I knew the meaning. Stranglehold my tears and treat that as normal. But my tears screamed out. 54 again that related to her. Ykw have to wake up. Don't think of him anymore. Don't cry for him. Jia You. 

Failure

I never ever expect that I'll like that. So failure when I stand on the stage infront of everyone. Wtf am I doing that time? My mind black and I stuck on the stage. I don't know what to do. Keep on memorize but I still get nothing. It is so xia shui and hurt when I being like that. My tears drop and I feel angry of myself. Haiz. Ykw really useless. I thought I can do well. But why? No more why to go. I'm not that strong enough actually. I hate my tears and of course myself so much. Just realize that I'm that failure. 

Stranger

Walk beside him but we are only stranger. He looked at me and smile. I turn my sight and my tears drop. I really cannot think so much anymore. He is not mine anymore. Keep on continue to pretend. Don't ever let him know anything. Have to stay strong even though without him. 

15/07/08

So tired. Really tired. My heart or my soul. I looked at him and my tears drop suddenly. I wonder why suddenly will be like this? People said I just pain until no more feeling. Haha. Ykw still that useless. I don't know what to do. I miss him so much right now. Having add maths test tomorrow. No mood to do revision already. Hehe. I can't do anything. Yaya. Stop my tears and stop thinking of him. I have to study hard. Jia You.

Sorry..

Sorry..

Please forgive me..

And thank you..

I really appreciate it lots..

p/s: To someone I want to apologize with my true heart. (You know who you are that I mentioned.) Jia you.

7 days of July

7 days I didnt meet with him. He doesn't know how much I miss him. I trying my best to pretend infront of everyone. Haha. Success lo. Of course la. Don't cry infront of anyone. Don't let anyone know what I'm thinking of. Don't want anyone to feel that I'm still that stupid. I'm stubborn. 

Nothing else I can do. Let everything be. Keep on be myself and don't ever put any hoe on it anymore. Let him be like what he wants. Don't talk don't smile don't do anything. Its ZERO between us. I never expect this will happen before. NEVER.

Nvm. Just like that. I'll respect his decision. No more hope. I won't hope anything. Stranglehold everything. Don't hesitate anymore. Not worth at all. I have to study hard. For my SPM. Jia You. Ykw don't cry. Have to stay strong even though without him. 

Wtf

Why I still so failure? I cant even stop my tears. I hate myself so much. Isn't this is what I get after I put so much effort on it? Fuck! I got nothing as return. 5.30am! Wtf! Rushing and accident! Feeling depressed! 

27/06/08

It is 27th. Something happened 5 months ago. My memory still so fresh. Msn, sms. Haha. So sweet. But everything gone. Counting the days and repeating the same things. My heart feels nothing at all. Dunno why I just like usual. No more feeling at all. Cold blooded. Never expect to get anything as the return. Just like that. Didn't miss him for these few days. Shouldn't think so much anymore. Be myself. Don't ever try to break my heart. I'm strong enough. Don't cry.

23/06/08

Was thunder-ing loudly this morning. I was awake from my sleep at 5am. I scared the thunder. I never expect that the thunder would struck so loudly. Was lying on my bed and hugged the pillow he gave. My mind stuck and started to think so much. I think of him. And our past. My tears screamed out. I miss him so much. Typed him a msg but never sent him. I didn't want him to feel that I need him. I will stay strong even though without him. Yet, I still so stubborn to think that he'll msg me. Haha. Stupid Ykw. 

It is 23rd. Haha. 2023. Meaningless. Not much important anymore. I have to wake up. Must wake up. Cannot cry actually. But my tears still drop. He forgot what he promised me. I won't ask for more. Just let it. Take everything as nothing. Don't ever waste my single tears anymore. Don't cry. Don't ever cry because of him. But I miss my 2023. 

20/06/08

I started to think so much. Don't know why started to hate myself. Keep on saying to let you go, yet I still so stubborn cant let you go. Wtf. Trying not to look at youwhen you're not with me. Ya, I TRYING my best. Being suffer like this. Not worth at all. 

When that time you said "NO" to me, my tears nearly drop. I don't know why I feel so guilty. I can't control my tears when I walked back to the class. You don't know how pain am I. My mind keep on appearing your words. My heart feels pain. But at last, you never say sorry or thank you. Isn't my fault? Ya, it is my fault in your sight. I'm speechless when you never turn your sight to me. You're cruel. 

I know I can't cry anymore. But my tears still drop. Sorry. I trying my best not to cry. I will stay strong even though without you. Ykw sure wky. Don't cry.

One week

;My stomach pain regularly recently. Shit! I don't know why I feel like crying when every time I'm alone in the class. My tears drop is because of the pain or something else? I don't know. Being confusing. I'm in the blur blur condition. 

We started to change. He gives me hope again and again but spoil it again and again. Wtf. I trying my best to stranglehold everything but he wants to spoil my plan. I hate his way. He knows what I'm thinking of but he don't want to admit that. Wtf. He's still that useless when faced me.

He likes to leave me alone when he knows I'm waiting for him. Why I still so stubborn? What for I keep on waiting and waiting? Everything is bull shit in his eyes. He likes to treat my everything as nothing. He is still wordless when looking into my eyes. I lost my confident again and again when it is without him.

Thought that I won't cry but my tears drop. Yet, I miss him alot. He called me but we talked for only 30 seconds. This is the shortest conversation that we ever have. I laugh after that. Laugh until my tears drop. Wtf. It is a pain. But he don't know.

Someone told me something. I realised something and get something. Growing more mature and of course just care for my SPM. I won't spoil my future. I won't. But why I still cannot let him go? I want him to know something but he avoid to know. I'm speechless.

Don't cry. Don't ever drop my tears for him. It is pointless. He won't appreciate and treasure what I give. Got only her in his eyes. I should understand. I know it. So, let everything fade. I trying my best to leave him but I failed. I trying my best not to miss him but I failed. I trying my best to chase him out from my heart but I failed. I'm a failure. Haha. 

P/s: I miss him. Still waiting for his reply. But I know he won't reply my message no matter how. He got her than it is more than enough. Ykw wky. Have to wake up. Don't cry. 

 

My feel

I feel like crying when he said that infront of everyone. My tears running off in my eyes but I didn't let anyone to see my tears. He is cruel than anyone. He should know I hate what he said and I'll angry. Yet, he still continue that. I don't know what to do. Just can treat everything as nothing. I know I cannot cry for him anymore. Cannot waste my tears. But, I can't let go everything when it is without him.

Drum

Went for my drum exam just now. I thought I can did well but I never. Got lots of mistakes. Shit. This time sure cannot score Distinction! Haiz. But fine. Let it be. Try harder for next year. Don't know why I think of him before I go in for exam. His Jia You makes my tears. Haha. Still waiting for his message. But I know, he would not reply me. 

Saw her today. My heart feels pain suddenly. My mind directly think of him. They really look so match to be couple. He didn't lie on me. He sure likes her so much. I feel like crying when saw her. I finally know why he will fall on her. She is too bright to be appear. I don't know how to say. But I can understand the feel he wants. She is suit for him. Thats why he goes away from me. I am a loser. Lose without any reason.

Finally my msn can on. He didn't online or he status appear offline? I don't know. He never want to find me or even reply my msg. I should stop everything. I know this. Won't think so much anymore. Just my mind suddenly stuck. I think of the past, which full of him. SHIT! Just.... Speechless.

So long time I didn't cry for him. Haha. I'm strong even though without him. Does these mean my love towards him started to fade? I really don't know. Maybe I used to be like this. Already feel nothing on his actions. I get into a deep thought. Don't cry. I won't. 

3 am

It is 3 am right now. Zhang zhi Chen's " Lin Chen San Dian Zhong" should be more suitable ya. Haha. I started to think so much. I never forget what he told me that night. No answer from him. He never want to give me some respect at last. Nvm, let it be. Everything should be alright. I'm so glad that I get to know something. Its good for me, even my future. 

I was sitting at the corner and wait for my siblings and friends played games at Theme Park last night. Haha. Everyone pass by would put their sight on me. I know some of them sure will think that I'm pity enough. Haha. But I never. I just think of him only. I closed my eyes so that no one knows I cried. I was alone with full of loneliness that without him. But thanks JJ, for your stupid msg. I smile because of that. Really. My heart feels pain when I deleting all his msg. He got gf and it is her. Exactly what I'm thinking of and what they were telling of. Haha. He admit. As what I always said, they look match to be couple. My wish came true.

After that I went for Narnia. To be honest I never ever concentrate on that. I think of him for the whole night. I know I can't think so much anymore. My heart have no more feeling. I just used to be like this. What he keep on giving I just received. I didn't want to pretend. Just be myself. Of course I'm still that strong even though I really lost him. Wtf. I can re-arranging my mind. Ykw sure wky. I won't cry for him anymore. 

P/s: Thanks CW. Just appreciate it so much so much so much. Thanks for your stupid jokes that tease me. And you and TW's accompany. Got chance I treat you back for movie. Some more I get to know something from you. I'll keep everything as secret. I growing up dy. Don't worry. I'm big girl sure won't cry. Especially won't cry for him. And I remembered what I promised. I'll always keep my smile. And you too. Jia You. Be brave. Time can cure our wounds. So work harder together. Thank you.  

Haha

My tittle is haha so I have to laugh. But I never feel to laugh from my heart at all. I get to know something that hurt me so much. Never mind, this is the purpose of life. I'll stay strong even though I still cry for that. Haha. Nothing much to say. The scar on my heart will never ever recover no matter how long time I take no matter what method I use. Everything just useless. I accept it. Haha. This prove that your love towards me is not much that how you should. I realise that everything is just a lie. Its okay to accept the lies. I will growth up from this incident. Won't feel independent. Because I'm ykw. I'll stay strong although I lose you in my life start from now. Haha. Jia You. I still have to continue my life. God will punish those who destroy everything. I believe in this. Some more, you will regret one day when you realise everything. He will regret what you did that hurt me so much. From now on, I will leave and avoid you in my life. I won't ever give you a chance to hurt me anymore. And you, won't appear in my life anymore. I won't waste my tears anymore. Don't cry.

Better way

Haha. I waste my tears again. Damn. Whats else can I do? I really don't know. Keep on persuading myself not to think of him. I trying my best. Let everything fade then I'll be better. But his way could hurts me. He can't even think a better way to solve our problems. He never ever want to face it. I wonder why. Should be because of her.

He said lets forget our love? Could it be so easy to forget everything? I need some times to digest. To chase him out from my life. But it seems impossible by right now. Its still very hard for me. I don't have enough confidence to pretend anymore. I feel tired. So sick of his way. He should know what I'm thinking of yet he keep on doing that to hurt me. Sounds funny.

Anyway, I updating my mind right now. Don't think so much. He admits everything but that everything cannot back to the past. I wondering what does he thinking of? I can't ever get his mind. Our relation still remain the same. Didn't like to talk. Didn't like to smile. Never mind. We used to be like this.

I want to take a deep rest. He won't be with me anymore. He and her really look match to be couple. I can't think to get him anymore. Everything have to end up right now since he asked to forget everything. I'll listen what he said. Jia You. Don't waste my tears anymore. I'll stay strong.

27/05/08

I was with him for 9 hours. But we NEVER talk. Even one sentence. Our distance can't even back to last time. I feel scare of this. I can't stranglehold the feeling. He can act like nothing. Or really he didn't act. He is really nothing. No more feeling towards me. His heart stop and stay for her? I don't know. I keep on giving chances but I get nothing.

We hold the mic and sang our song. My tears drop unstoppable. Luckily my friends switched off the light. Nobody knows I cried. He didn't mention that my voice changed and started to cry. He don't know everything. My mind appear everything with him when the melody played. He keep his smile on his face and still act like usual. We finished the song but I can't see his mind anymore. I didn't get his sight and didn't get his warmth. I'm alone and he is alone too.

My heart feels tired. I wanna ask him why. But finally I didn't. He feels tired too. He is tiring because of me. Because I keep on disturb him. Because I never want to believe him. Expectable. We used to be like this. I want to take a deep rest but my mind can't stop thinking of him. I saw his inbox. Full of her messages. I wonder whether he used the same method to talk with her. It been confusing days by days. I have no more stamina to wait for his steps. He don't want to let me know everything but he wants me to understand him. I feel sick of his way.

I don't know what else can I do. Just drop my tears but I know that is pointless. I rather keep my heart in a safety place and protect it as well to prevent getting woes and wounds from him. I'm cruel. But he is more cruel. Pretend is a good way to protect himself. But I want myself to protect him without any reaction. I didn't think before. He trying to reject everything from me is just to protect me. Isn't truth? From his heart.

I still will think many excuses to explain to myself why he did those things. I still like that. Gain back my confident but spoil it easily. I should accept the truth. He is not mine anymore. Go with her without leaving anything for me then I'll be happy. With my truth heart. Ykw, Jia You. Go petrol station if you no more you to jia. Stop thinking of him. Stop crying. Stop loving. Stop bleeding. STOP everything right now. Be strong. Don't cry.

Now

My heart feels pain right now. I cant stranglehold my feeling anymore. My mind keep on appearing everything we had. I can't even do anything anymore. Don't cry. But my tears still drop. I hate to be alone. But I'm always alone.

I'm an angel but also a devil. An angel that forgive everything he done no matter how pain he hurts me. A devil that want to keep on disturbing him although he asked me to stop this. It been confusing when time pass. I can't catch his sight and know his mind. I waiting my heart to be wilt and forgot everything about him.

I prefer to be failure than give up. But no choice between this. The choice is only the fact that I have to face. He is gone. Leave without anything. What for I still hesitate? I don't know what to do. I know that is the way he tried to protect himself from getting woes and pain from me. But that is also the fastest way to hurt me without any reaction.

I'm speechless. He still like to stare at me. But he still choose to be quite. Sound funny. But we used to be like this. Give me a chance then I will slap him. I want him to look into my eyes and my turn to be speechless. Haha. I gonna turn crazy. I'm sick of his way. I can't endure anymore. I'm not that strong enough to effort the pain anymore.

Time can cure my wounds. Have to trust this. I will try my best to get the best. For my own. Because this is my life. But for right now, I miss him. 2023. Jia You. Don't cry.

23/05/08

I sit on the sofa and hold the mic. I sang the song we like the most. Love story. Don't know why I can't even be myself when I sang that song. I hold my tears and finished the song. I got that much courage to finish the song. Love myself. Haha. He didn't with me. First time I felt that lonely when heard this song. Without him. My tears running off in my eyes so I close my eyes. I don't want anyone to see my tears. I don't want. I miss him. But I can't do anything. Let it be. Take my time and I'll be better. Jia You. I trying not to cry. Don't cry.

Final

So tired. Keep on revise my biology. Everyone sure non-stop reading bio right now. Haha.

Last night Thomas Cup final was so interesting. For those who watched, I confirm u have the same feeling. China again. They won again. Pity Korea. But not my business la. Malaysia already say bye bye. Lin Dan, the first single from China versus Park Sung-hwan from Korea. I thought Park will win. But he still lose because Lin Dan's wind came back. So proud of Lee Chong Wei because Lin Dan lose to him. Only HIM!

Fu Hai Feng and Cai Yun not enough stamina to fight with Jung Jae-sung and Lee Yong-dae. Korea really geng. Got a tight match between them. And of course Fu Hai Feng and Cai Yun lose. They old liao la. but still leng zai.

My Bao Chun Lai turn versus Lee Hyun-il. So nervous. Love Bao Chun Lai so much. He really look like Jei Shen. They both having a tight match. My BCL won for the match finally. Haha. So proud le.

Xie Zhong Bo and Guo Zheng Dong (know their name liao) I thought they will lose to Lee Jae-jin and Hwang Ji-man. But they won. Unexpected and unbelievable. Korea's supporter sure scold them. Haha. They lost their Thomas champion.

China still the best of the best. I just hope that Malaysia will work harder and get good results in Olympic. Don't lose. Jia You.

Have to continue my biology. Pray for myself. Good Luck.

P/S:I miss him so much right now. Persuading myself not to cry for him. Don't cry.

No more

I miss him. I still like to cry when think of him. Just let this be. I can't control him although I know he feels suffer too. Everything depends on fate. We used to be like this. Being controlled by the fate. Don't ever put confident on it. He won't comes back. I trying my best. This time is truth. Don't want to lie to myself anymore. Treat his everything as normal. Don't talk don't smile don't love don't think don't do don't see don't want and of course don't cry. I will stay strong without him. Take care.

P/S: Tc vs Kw---No more.

Lee Hom

~~Happy birthday to my Lee Hom. Jia You. Support you always.~~

Thomas Cup

I feel like crying suddenly. Just came back from tuition and know that Malaysia lose in semi final match. Versus China. The first geng team in the world. Don't know why I feel so sad. Knowing that Malaysia's players put more and more effort on it but still fail. Lee Chong Wei did a good job. He really played well when fight with Lin Dan. Maybe his ranking will be the first after this. Maybe la. Lin Dan never played well for the match. Haha. So shuang. But LD still that fit and leng zai.

After that my Koo Kien Keat and Woan Ling's Tan Boon Heong. Wtf were they doing? Shouldn't put the blame on them. They tried their best already. But I ponder, it is their best? I don't think so. I still remember I watched the live match before in Bukit Jalil. They did a good job last time when versus the same person. Cai Yun and Fu Hai Feng. But they lost the point. Maybe they faced the pressure from everyone. Everyone expect that both of them will get one point for Malaysia. But they failed. Haiz. Kkk and Tbh sure very disappointed. So as me and WL. FHF still so yeng. Leng zai la. CY quite good for the match also. Admire them. China wor.

Then Wong Chong Han's turn versus my Bao Chun Lai. BCL really looked like Jei Shen. So cute. He got enough stamina to fight with WCH since WCH really old already. But I still hope WCH will win for the match. But Tjj, my livescore when I went for tutiton, he s me and said WCH lose until so charm. My mood gone and can't really concentrate on tuition. Haiz. But never mind, of course my BCL better la. So proud.

After that second double. ..... .....(Sorry to Malaysia players. I don't know you guys name. But I will check it out k.) versus ...... ...... (I don't know them. Paiseh la. Sorry to China.) My livescore s me again and said Malaysia won. So happy. Haha. My mood came back. I can think of their happiness. And of course so nervous la. 2-2 le. Who didn't feel nervous de tell me.

The last match. Third single. Hafiz versus Chen Jin. See also know Chen Jin will win la. But still have to depends on the luck la. But finally Hafiz really lose. Chen Jin look so happy. Every China players put the smile on their face and cheers! Kanasai. But my BCL look so cute. Haha. Malaysia lose. 3-2. My heart feels pain. Don't know why. My tears really running off my eyes when the moment know that Malaysia lose. SHIT!

What to do? Haiz. Nothing to do. Hope all Malaysia's players will put more effort for the coming soon tournament. Kkk and Tbh sure will get scolded by the coach. Pity guys. But fine. Face the fact. Jia You. To all Malaysia's players. We are proud of you guys.

Thomas Cup final. No more Malaysia. Don't cry.

13/05/08

Finally mid-year exam gonna come to the end. I feel scare because I never study hard for this time. Haha. Cannot blame anyone. This should be my own fault. Never mind. Really don't want to mind.

I feel depressed. Looking at my biology book but I just put my sight on first page. Why? I cannot be like this. I have to study hard. For biology. But I wonder why I think of him. I can't feel him anymore right? I lose his warmth and his smile. Lying on my bed and hugged the pillow. close my eyes and my tears rolling down again. I failed to be myself. I thought I can stranglehold the feeling as well but I still failed. I thought I can be strong but it seems impossible.

I don't know why I will be like this recently. The memories with him come back easily and didn't fade-out from my mind. I ponder, why memory is so harsh? I too naive to have it? Maybe. This is the purpose of life. I have to face it as well. I won't think of much of that anymore. Cannot think so much of it. Really cannot. He wouldn't be mine anymore. I have to Jia You. To be myself. Not to be obvious anymore. Because Ykw talents in pretending. Jia You. Don't cry.

P/S: Happy birthday to Chen Wai. I know I still owe u a Zinger Burger. Will pay you when we meet ya. Take good care always. Jia You too! I will drive you to KFC ya. Happy Birthday!

Why

Sometimes I ponder, why I will be like this? I feel tired of being like this. Being suffer to pretend infront of everyone. But he still like that. Never want to care. Just leave me without leaving anything. It's pain and hurt. But he don't know. He don't want to know. I shouldn't think so much. but why I still can't control my tears? Keep on persuades myself to stay strong. I have to stay strong. I need to stay strong. But I fail. I fail to be that strong enough to face everything he gave. I fail. Really fail.

Was raining heavily this morning. Thunder was so scary. I message him and hope to get his reply. but he never reply. I sit on my bed and stared at the window. Thunder struck and my tears drop. I hugged the pillow he gave me and cry silently. Keep on looking at my phone to wait for the reply message. I think of his everything. But I can't feel him anymore. No more. Haha. He don't know. He thought I'm strong.

Don't know what to say. He will be happy without me. I trying to be happy that without him. I am cruel that choose to give up on everything. Time can cure my wounds. I still believe on this. But he gives me hope and disappointed me again and again. He don't know how pain am I when I get to know that everything is just a LIE. How hurt when you get know everything is just a lie? A lie that gain my confident but break down when everything end.

I don't want to think so much anymore. Off my phone and don't wait for his message. He just needs me when he needs help? I keep on asking myself about this. I feel sick of being like this. He needs her more. I know. So, I can't do anything else. This relationship should end up immediately to prevent myself from getting more woes and wounds. He is cruel. And I will be cruel too. Jia You. I have to Jia You.

P/S:No more why. He already leave. Leave without anything. Le it fade. Don't Cry.

05/05/08

So tired. I hate BM! My exam sure D-I-E! Scare the essay will out of title. Somemore the stupid bina ayat and peribahasa. SHIT! Fine. Work harder for trial and SPM. I don't have any confident. Honestly, NO MORE! Why? No why. Can't blame anyone. I myself never find back the things that should belong to me. Last time Ykw was different. I think so! Haha.

So late right now. Hate the stupid literature. Tomorrow BI. The literature part sure D-I-E! Someone told me don't look down on myself before try anything. Haha. I'm speechless. Listening Kiss Goodbye. The melody so nice! I can play it as well with piano and violin. Hehe.

I miss him. So much. Not dare to sms him and tell him what I feel. I still that failure in this part. Cannot get successful in this kind of things. Le it be. Don't think so much. And of course, I NEVER cry. My tears are precious. Haha! Not for him anymore. Jia You. Don't cry.

01/05/08

Finally I got his message. See, I still that idiot. Keep on doing those pointless things. Haha. I willing to do so. No why, just I too free. Nothing to do. No no no. I have to study hard. No more him in my life. I wonder why I not feel like delete his messages. Haiz. Useless.

He really still like that. Never ever changed. Still like to pretend. Still like to say sorry. Still like to quarrel with me. Still like to look into my eyes but still speechless. Still like to walk infront of me. Still like to ask me couple with another guy. Still like to leave me alone. His style. Never changed.

Fine. I have to accept it no matter how. He is not mine anymore. No no no. He never be mine before. I am fine without him? I don't know. I really don't know. Don't let him affect me anymore. His words his ways his everything. Have to stop to think of that right now. Ya ya. It's truth. NO MORE.

So long time I never ever see the stars. I miss the sky with brighten of stars. But it is pointless without his warmth. I choose to be alone. This might be better. With the dark dark sky. The cold cold wind. The pain pain heart. And the hurt hurt love. Time to say goodbye. Ykw, don't cry.

Tonight

I was shocked when received his message. Everything just pointless if I keep on disturbing his life. He said he will leave me. But why he still remember what I said? Why he still follow what I asked for? Why he still like to pretend infront of me? Why he still that stubborn? Why? I feel sick of asking this anymore.

I miss him. Still waiting for his reply. Already 30 minutes, but he never reply. I cried but I will still wait. I know, I shouldn't be like this anymore. I just keep on giving myself a good excuse to wait him back to my life. But he don't know. Doubtless, I lose. Lose to myself. I won't cry. I believe that he will reply my message. Waiting..... Don't Cry,

25/04/08

I heard her name once, but my heart feels pain for a very long time. I don't know why I still will care of him and her. I shouldn't think so much anymore. Let it be. Just let it. Cannot cry anymore. Don't cry. Be strong.

23/04/08

Played my violin and my mind appeared someone. My tears still drop. I worry about him. But he keep on telling me not to care about him. Wtf am I doing? I still like to disturb him and ask him whether feeling better or not. I get nothing from him. No worth no value? I don't know. He still like that. Doesn't reply my message. Never mind. I promised I will wait for the reply. It is 1.05am right now. Just finished my biology homeworks. I still waiting. I wonder why I still like that. Haha. My brothers asked me before, why I like him so much? Haha. I myself also don't know why. I still waiting. Pray for me.

Give me the chance to wait for the message. Let me become that stubborn and stupid. Just let me become like this. I still like that. Never changed. I still miss him. Trying my best not to cry. Don't cry.

p/s: It is 23rd. 2 months. Haha. Really cannot predict our life. I won't forgot everything happened on that day. 2023. Don't cry. ykw wky.

19/04/08

Just received someone's message. I just wanna ask the someone to take care. And don't ever try to think of the stupid guy anymore. Take care my dear=) I will always right here to support you!

My tears screaming out when I reply her message. I still think of him. F myself. I don't know what to do. Sit on the chair and started to view her blog. I become more worst. SHIT! I found out something. Something that make my heart feels damn pain right now. He just remember what he promised her. He forgot everything of me. HE FORGOT!!

I don't know what to say anymore. He is cruel. Cruel than everyone in this world. I feel like asking him many things. Will he feels happy when see I crazy loving him? Will he feels happy when knowing I will jealous when he be with her? Will he feels happy when knowing I still drop my tears for him? Will he feels happy when I said I wanna give up on him? ......... I'm speechless.

He never ever want anything from me. I really hate myself so much. Why I still cry? Why I can't control my tears? Why I cannot let him go? Why I still so stubborn? Why? No why. Ykw is like this. Still so stupid. Still think that he will comes back to me. Still feel that got chance. Still want to wait for him not to pretend. Still want to talk with him. Still like him so much.

Never mind. Persuading myself just for last time. I say I don't want him anymore. Not worth for me to wait him turns his sight back for me anymore. Not worth at all. My life will be that peaceful and meaningful even though without him. I really feel disappointed and no more hope to myself anymore. Confusing. Really confuse.

Why he wants to say lie? I thought he said he don't want her anymore? I thought he said he just want me to be with him? I thought he said he treat her as only good friend? I thought he said he will be with me no matter how? I thought. Everything just thought. At last, no more thought. He and her look match to be couple. Its truth.

No more. End up right now. Just let him keep on be with her. And of course she is willing to be with him. I don't want to trust him anymore. Let it. He want trust me or not I don't care. And I won't ever try to trust him anymore. I don't know whether he lied or not. I just know my heart feels pain when I knew something.

Don't cry don't cry don't cry. But I still cry. He don't know I still cannot treat his action as nothing. He don't know I still feel jealous when he be with her. He don't know I still care of him. He don't know I still like him that much. He don't know. I am not that strong to stay beside him without any reaction. I don't have enough stamina to stay till the end of this story.

Let her to continue the journey ba. I keep on telling myself this. Ykw, stay strong. Don't care of them anymore. He wants her, just give him be. She wants him, just let her be. I will still be myself no matter how. Because I am ykw. But this ykw still very useless. My hears feeling cold cold and tired. Very very very tired.

Couting 12345678910. But he just remember 54. With her but not me. I lose. Again and again. Tears still drop. But I said no more him in my life. I still want to study. I will try my best to study hard. Miss him but I will treat his everyone just as memories. Thats all. Don't love. Don't cry.

Basketball

Just came back from basketball court. Today ponteng and went to watch basketball match. I should be happy. But don't know why, the feeling not same at all. The feel not like last time. I just feel wu nai only. Haha. Sounds funny le. My favourite place le. But I never ever feel happy. I know why. Its him. Haha.

The memories with him come back again. Hbykw. Haha. Useless la. The place he promised me something. The place I scolded him. The place we meet. The place he sweat and played basketball. I remember his pose. Kanasai only. Haha. So funny when with him. Really. He likes to make me smile. I like to see his stupid funny pattern. I miss that. Miss the memories alot.

But for just now, I can't even feel happy with that. No more feeling. Looking at all the players playing ball to score marks. I might think of him. Haha. Let it be. Hby only ma. No more no more. I know I know. I got new one ma. But the new one same same only. Both treat me very cruel. But never mind, I used to be like this. Exactly be like this.

After that, I saw the new him. Haha. He dressed up whole set white colour. My favourite le. Haha. My heart feels pain suddenly when I know he is with me. But we still like that. Never say hi. Never smile. Never talk. I stared at him but he still act that cool. Haha. My god. I still like to stare at him. I want to see his smile. But he never ever smile infront of me. Shouldn't feel disappointed of that. He likes to treat me like this. He don't want to influenced my everything. But he don't know that if he never do anything, it might influenced me. He don't know. Still that stupid kia.

He walked out from basketball court but I don't know. I feel depressed. Why suddenly depressed? I also don't know. Weird that I feel depressed. Ykw really sot sot. Why a? No why. Haha. Keep it on. Be like this should be alright. I say bye bye to him when he walked. He never turn his sight to the back for me. My sight stop at his back. Feel like hug him suddenly. Wanna tell him I miss him. But I know, I can't do this. No more. I won't cry.

Midnight

It is 1am right now. I doing nothing just spend my precious time like this. Gonna f myself. How could I waste my time like this since mid year exam just around the corner? I don't know how and don't know why. Can't really concentrate on my studies. Tjj sure worry. Haha. Sorry to make you worry. I trying my best k.

Still the same to say. I miss him. My inbox still remain the same. No new message from him. Feel disappointed. Disappointed on myself because I still waiting for his message. Never mind. Take my time to do what my heart wants. Everything will be fine with the time passed. I keep on persuading myself. It seems works. Really works. I enjoying using this method.

I don't want to do the same things again and again. Just let it be. Shun Xi Zhi Ran might be better than force. Don't want to force him to talk with me. Don't want to force him to trust me. Don't want to force him to love me in return. I respect his decision. what he want to do just do. I might care but I trying not to care. Treat his everything as transparent. This my talent.

Just keep on pretending to be myself. Don't cry for him. Don't think of him. Don't care of him. Really DON'T. I can do it as well. But why my mind stuck suddenly? I think of her. She got the same feeling too? I don't know. Not dare to ask her. Someone told me before. "Let your love go if everything cannot make it as well." Ya. I letting my love to go. Just go anywhere you want but not my heart. I keep the memories in my deepest of heart. But gonna throw it one by one. Slowly to let everything fade.

No stars tonight I guess. Playing the songs he likes. Ykw, don't cry.

Merit!!

"Congratulation! You got merit for your organ exam!"Haha. Shouldn't feel happy for this. I can score higher result. Thanks tjj. So proud le.

I read someone's blog. Friendship really important in our life. I feel like don't want to lose him. He is a very important friend of mine. I can't lost him. I can't. But what can I do to keep our distance by not become stranger? We still like that. Never talk. He still laugh and do stupid things and I still keep quite and do my parts. Time really can cure the wounds. I still believe this.

I don't know what to do. She miss him alot. He's cruel. Feel like scold her so that she might wake up and not to love him anymore. This is the reason for myself to give up on him actually. I won't scold her. She got her own feelings and chances. I can't be so stingy to get all the opportunities so that she can accompany me to forget him. I prefer alone. I hope he will treasure her and of course she don't give up him. I will be happy although my heart will feel pain. But everything will be enough and worth when I see his smile. I like his smile. So much.

I waking up. No more him for right now. I must study hard. For myself. He is just someone that come through my life and spoiling my life. I won't let this happen. I won't. Asking myself whether I can do so? To be honest, I keep on laughing at myself. Ykw still that stupid. Still like to pretend. Still like to say lie. No wonder he didn't trust me. I say lie. To myself. Haha. My brain really disconnect. No medicine to cure.

Let it be. As usual. Try to treat everything as nothing. No pain no hurt no feeling. He doesn't care so I won't care. He doesn't talk so I won't talk. He doesn't want so I won't want. Just let it. My heart still can effort the rhythm of his heartbeat. I still can control my tears without his words. Don't even want everyone to put their sympathy's eye sight on me. I am strong. I might be strong. No matter how no matter what. With him or without him.

Thinking of what he will feel and say when I leave. I still like to think so much. He won't do anything and of course still speechless. I know. I know. Just hope he will Jia You yet he really hardworking. This seems our things didn't affect him at all. Haha. I should be happy or sad? Happy because he still did well for studies? Or sad that he never ever care of me? I don't know. Confusing.

"If you want to leave, I won't ask you to stay." Kenji Wu's lyrics really touch my heart. He will be like this if I really leave. He will. Just don't think so much. I want to hold his hand and tell him I miss him. I want to talk with him and get his smile as the return. I want to argue with him without influenced our relationship. I want to give up on him without any feeling. But I know, I still giving excuses not to give up on him. Tears screaming out with the mind full of him. He still that powerful that might full up my mind. Miss him. For right now.

11/4/08

I sit down silently and turn my sight on him. His smile still that cute for me. I don't know whether he's pretending or what. He becomes sot sot nowadays. So as I myself, become more quiet. This might be a good thing for everyone. I still like usual. Do my things as usual. But without him. Him warmth and his concern.

I played the song he likes infront of our friends. He never ever come with me and praise me or laugh at me. He stand at the corner and talking with other friends. I didn't turn my sight to look at him. I don't know how his feeling when he heard the song. I don't know what he will think of when he heard the song. My tears rolling in my eyes and I keep on playing the song. Closed my eyes properly and don't let anyone to see my tears.

I walked left and he walked right. But we still meet. Just we didn't say bye to each other. We looked at each other eyes but still speechless. I don't know why my heart feel pain of that. I used to be like this. I trying my best not to think of him. My new life starting a. Have to continue without any affection. Don't ever want to affect my studies. My SPM. My pathway. My future. My life. Just myself.

Don't think so much. No stars tonight. I don't know. Off my phone and lying on the bed. I hugged the pillow and wipe my tears. End up everything right now. Don't cry. Must smile.

Smile?!

Persuading myself to smile and smile and smile. Don't even drop a single tears for him anymore. I don't want to cry for him. He's cruel. Cruel than me. I feel like asking him why, but I still speechless when he is with me. And of course, he never with me also. Haha.

Just I so stupid stared at him and hope he will turn his sight back and look at me. But he NEVER. He still like that. Never changed. He likes to walk infront of me no matter how. I trying my best not to let him surpass me, but he might faster than me. He should know I hate to walk behind him, yet he still like to do that. Looking at his back, I feel like crying suddenly. My tears rolling in my eyes. I slap myself and ask myself to wake up. I have to wake up.

Was raining heavily just now. I scare the thunder. But he didn't with me. I looked at him. He should know I looking at him. But he turn his sight to another girl. He still smile like usual. Wtf. Just I myself think too much. I thought he will come with me and ask me don't scare. I thought. I close my eyes and wipe my tears. My mind appear his words. Haha. I hope he didn't see my tears. I am strong. Still that strong even though without him.

She looked at him. I know she feels suffer also. But what can I do? I still don't know. Din even brave to talk with her. I feel fear. Scare that another incident will happen. He won't trust me no matter how. He won't he won't he won't. Just let me alone. I feel lonely when he didn't talk with me. We both still speechless. We used to be like this. Always like this. No talk no smile.

Waiting and waiting for his message. His phone got credit and he read my message. But he never ever want to reply me. I feel disappointed on myself. "Ykw, wake up." My mind asking me to do this. But my heart says:"Give him a chance. He will always with you. Just give him the chance no matter how hurt he treats you." I gonna turn crazy. I can't even study. Hugging the pillow. I miss him.

Listening the song "yue ai yue nan guo" by Kenji Wu. The lyrics makes my tears.
"If you want to leave, I won't ask you to stay. I don't care how hurt will I after you leave. I just want you to tell me what you want even though just one sentence. That is more than enough." I will be strong. Be selfish to myself. He is cruel. I will be cruel. Don't cry. Don't love.

9/4/08

I failed my sejarah. What should I say? I really don't know. I didn't feel sad or anything. I just feel that myself really stupid. Isn't worth to do this? For him? Just for him. I really don't know. I am such a failure. I keep on asking myself whether worth or not. Although I know the answer clearly.

My new life still like that. I didn't follow the promises. I still like that. Still care of him. Still concern about him. Still think of him. Still miss him. He never ever want to believe me. He didn't trust me anymore. My heart feels nothing. No pain no hurt no sad. Just like that.

My biology got only 40 marks. Everyone got 70+. Teacher asked me why my result so bad? I don't know how to answer her. I told her I really study hard and memories for bio. but I don't know why when sitting for test, my mind blank. First time I feel that scare and panic when exam. My mind just blank. And just appear him and her. Wtf. I just tikam for the test. I forgot everything. Really. Damn.

I wonder why my life become like this. Just like shit only. I didn't expect myself will turns this. Unpredictable. But I can decide because this is my life. But everything changed. His heart his way his smile. Tis is so cruel and this makes my tears. I shouldn't think so much anymore. I cannot think so much.

The stars are bright and nice. I miss him. Really. I hate myself like this. I still cannot wake up. I...... Lose everything. Waiting for his message. But I know, he will never reply. Never mind. Stars are bright plus the songs I like. this is more than enough.

7/4/08

We still remain the same. Never like to talk. But this is better than didn't talk. Everyone says both of us look more happy and more close compare with last time. I just keep on laughing when I heard this. They don't know my tears rolling in my eyes. I keep on telling myself just admit it. We are still that good. Should be more much better compare with last time, right? I don't know. Really don't know.

I still that useless. I still that failure. My new life should be alright now but I spoil everything. I still not that strong enough to face the pain. I thought I can treat what I seen as nothing. I THOUGHT. But actually I still can't. I still care. My heart still feels pain. But never mind. I persuading myself not to be like this anymore. Just let my tears drop. Then I'll be fine. Just talk with him like usual. He won't even care of my feeling. So, I would let him know that I can be myself even though he hurts me. Just like that.

54.....This is a pain. I don't know what this mean. But it might hurt me. I still will think so much of that. Keep on guessing what's happening. Keep on pretending that I really don't care. Keep on caring what he's thinking of. I wonder why I still so stubborn. My friends are supporting me and I keep on making them disappointed. I really 38. Should scold myself siao po. I rather to be siao po. Because I still like him that much.

I am speechless right now. But I got many things to share. Share with my blog. I don't know who else can I find. I don't want my friends to feel that I very stupid. I don't want they feel disappointed on me again and again. I feel lonely and miss him. I delete all his messages in my inbox. I can do this. But I waiting for his message. Wtf am I doing right now? Stupid ykw. I don't know how to concentrate on my sejarah. Got test tomorrow. I think of his words. Ykw wky.

I listening wo ke yi. Damn. I can't control my tears. Today no stars I think. I promised myself before, don't ever see stars again. I guess. Guess the stars. Guess his heart. Should stop it. Ya. I know it clearly. I will stop it. My heart feel pain when 1st time got hurt. Feel pain when 2nd time got hurt. When 3rd time, my heart can afford the pain. 4th time, everything get fade. I waiting to get the 5th, 6th, 7th...etc. Got more pain more hurt, I'll give up easily. I still like to cry. I still like him.

He remember 54 with her. But he forgot something with me. The something. Haha. I will put smile on my face. Won't think so much. His things not my business anymore. Shouldn't be anymore, cause never ever my business before. Haha. Just like that ba. Let it be. Give me a deep rest when I got enough hurt from him. I will let him hurt me without any reaction. I willing to get hurt. Don't cry. Stay strong.

=.='

I went basketball court and saw them practising my favourite sports. It was surprising because it have been long time I never step into basketball court. The feel still like that. With him or without him is the same. Ykw really useless. I might not think of him anymore. But the memories with him comes back. I closed my eyes and scold myself. I cannot think of him. Really no more. Hby. Bye bye.

31/3/08

Its was a special day for me. I passed my car test. It means I got license P. Can drive. Should be happy actually, but I never fell that happy. I sms him, and wait for his reply. But he never reply.
The stars were bright and nice. I stared at the dark dark sky and talked to myself. Today is the last day for me to think of him. My new life will be start on 1st of april. I have to be strong. I must be strong. Its the right time to end up everything.
I keep on telling myself this. And my tears rolling down like hell. I cried in the dark with the cold of night. This might be the good experience. Haha. Stupid ykw. I miss him. So much. But I can't be so stubborn anymore. I should think of my future. My SPM. My pathway after that.
Everything will back to the normal start tomorrow. Its april fool. I have to keep on pretend. Keep on putting smile on my face. Keep on don't think too much. Everything should be ok I hope so.
My hearts feel hot. Don't know why. I closed my eyes. The memories with him come through my mind. His eyes his hair his face his smile his hand his warmth his words his anger his concern his everything. I remembered. I kept this all in my heart and never get these fade.
I admit. I still like him. So much. But I'll let go everything. Should be more happy without him. I promised my friends. And of course myself. Even tough this really suffer, but just let it. I believe in time. It might cure my wound as well.
No more You to Jia. I will stop everything. With him or without him. No more. Wake up at the possible time. Persuade myself not to cry. Don't cry. Don't ever cry.

Stay strong

Keep on asking myself to stay strong. I think I can. Cannot use the word think anymore. It is the must for me to stay strong.
It is not worth for me to put him in my life anymore. I know. I trying my best. Don't cry. Don't ever drop my tears for him. Its enough. Stop it.
But my heart feels pain. Someone told me something. I get to know something unexpected. I'm speechless. I don't know what to do anymore.
His way to hurt me. And he succeed. I have nothing else to say. Just face the fact. I promised my friends. I have to stay strong. I must stay strong. I should stay strong. I need to stay strong.
Don't ever want to disappointed my dear friends. My promise. I trying harder. Push myself more to get through this.
Hopefully, I didn't wait for his message anymore. From now on, I hope my life will be wonderful without him. But as everyone know, it will be suffer without him. Hope he will Jia You and I never wnat to leave him no matter how.
"I'm here. Always here." Just for him.
Persuade myself to stay strong. And don't cry. Must smile. =)

p/s: Tjj. I'm here always for you too. Jia You.

Night

I on my phone and trying to type him a message. I ask him to take care and jia you.
But I press cancel when its half way sending the message.
Haha. I still like that. Lost the the courage to find him.
Why must I start the conversation first but not him?
I know I can't ask why anymore. It's useless.
Damn. My tears drop again. I keep on wiping it so that no one knows I was crying.
I closed my eyes and his words appeared again and again.
No more promises. I understood.
Just I keep on lying myself. I know also.
Right now it is the time to make everything fade.
No more any memories.
It should end right now.

Sorry

I should apologize to someone at the first. Sorry.
I read his blog and I feel something.
Sentimentel. I thought he's saying about me.
But it's himself.
I don't know what to say anymore.
He helped me whenever I really need someone be with me.
He will reply my message as soon as possible and always instruct me to take care of my health.
I should appreciate it as well.
I did appreciated, but I never ever concern about his problems.
He told me before that he will settle himself.
And of course I believe in him. He is so geng in my eyes. Really.
But then I feel that its wrong.
Everyone got his weakness.
Everyone need help no matter how geng he is.
He always pretend infront of me.
He said he feel ok with his SPM results.
But actually, he still care about it.
Its normal I think. Because I were like this last time when got my PMR results.
The feel will come back easily and you will ask WHY WHY WHY...
No WHY... This is the purpose of life.
And I just always say JIA YOU. Jia You is not enough to consult someone. I know it clearly. But I just keep on say Jia You to him. Stupid ykw. This is not enough!
But he never blame me.
Should thanks him.
I am the first ranking listener but I'm younger than him.
I admit it. I never ever know how to consult him actually.
This makes me feel guilty.
Sorry.
He keeps on helping me and consult me. Always ask me stay strong and he will backup me no matter how. I feel like crying now.
Don't know how to describe my feeling. Wu nai.
Take care my dearest friend.
I will backup you also. Really.
Find me if you really need me.
I will listen to what you wanna say.
And of course I trying my best to give you the best advices.
Sorry and thank you.
Forgive me.

p/s: Tjj, yuri.. I still remember this.. Must Jia You..

Trying

I trying my best to chase him out from my life. I know its hard. But I really work hard. First time I trying my best to controlled my tears in the dark. I stared at the sky and the stars were bright. I make a wish under the sky and ask myself not to think of him anymore. My tears still drop. My heart feels pain right now. I don't know how to describe my feeling when I read her blog. She likes him so much. I can feel that. And he might fall in love to her again, I think? I told myself before that he's mine. But I know I'm just lying myself. This is just a lie. When it's the time to wake up, I have to wake up. I know. Really understand. I'm growing right now. "Let the tears drop ba. Just cry. Don't press yourself anymore." Someone told me. Ya, and of course I trying my best. But I wonder why, my mind now just full of him. I off my phone again and hope to receive his message when I on back my phone. But I know, I'm sick of waiting his message. I started to lose my confidence again and again. I delete his contact from my phone. I wanna delete all his messages. This is what I promised myself. But I still left some. Haha. My heart says don't want. I have to follow what my heart says. Respect my heart. Sounds funny right? Stupid ykw. I feel depressed. No why. Haha. I miss him. I still miss him. But I trying my best and really work hard. Persuade myself not to think of him. I know it's really funny. But it works. Keep on pretending. Keep on forgetting. Keep on smiling. Keep on hurting. Keep on be myself. Keep on loving. Keep on trying.

hbykw

I saw him. The him that we never meet for almost 2 years.
I always plan that what I'm going to do when I meet him.
I want to talk with him.
I want to punish him.
I want to kick him.
I want to tell him I miss him.
But when I saw him, my mind was stick.
I can't say anything or do anything.
I don't know why I turned moody when he appeared.
He never looked at my eyes or even say hi to me.
I stand beside him but he treat this as transparent.
He's still that cruel to me.
My heart no more feeling and of course won't cry.
Finally I got a good reason for myself to forget him.
Never want to left any memories.
Really really chase him out from my life.
No more hbykw.
Believe myself.

Pain

No pain no gain. Who says? I got the pain but still no gain. Useless.
Its raining heavily right now. My heart feel pain. I listening the songs I like. I tell myself to stay happy and of course don't think of him.
I wonder why. My heart feel pain. This called growth. Someone told me this. "This is growth. One part of your life to be growth."
My tears screaming down. I scare the thunder. It been strike my heart without any of his message appear in my inbox.
I off my phone and hope to get his message when I on back my phone. But he NEVER. NEVER means NEVER.
I hugged the pillow. Let me cry silently. I still cannot treat this as nothing. I'm still a failure. Give me a chance to miss him.
The rain becomes heavier. The god get mad or sad? I don't know. Trying my best to ask the god don't cry. So as myself, big girl don't cry.


p/s:I miss him. So much.

Raining

Was raining heavily last two nights. The thunder was scary. I know it won't strike me. But my heart been struck by it. It's pain, really pain. I on my phone to wait for his message. But he NEVER NEVER send me even 1 message to ask me don't scare. I'm still a failure because I still miss him so much. Nono, I cannot think of him anymore. Jia You.

Tired...

Just finished do my homeworks. Feeling so tired.
Today no school because its Nabi Muhammad s.a.w's birthday... Wish him "happy birthday".
I miss him so much suddenly. I thought I won't cry,but my tears drop. The memories come back. I keep on controlling my mind, but I still failure.I hugged the pillow he gave me. I feel the warmth of his hands. His hair his eyes his face his smile. I remembered. I tell myself not to think of him. Ykw of course wky. But, really ykw wky? So easy?
I growing up. Give me sometimes. Time might cure the wounds. I believe this. I trying my best. I will Jia You.
But for now, give me the chance. Give me the chance to miss him. Give me the chance to think of him. Give me the chance to get back the memories with him. Give me the chance to cry. Give me the chance to scold myself stupid. Just give me the chance.
I feel tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of losing.
I'm really tired.
My heart...feel tired.
I want to rest. Just for now.
I miss him. As much as he missed me. Don't cry.

Someone

Today I saw someone.
Someone that really kansai friend.
He never tell me that he will come back to school even though we sms until 1am last night. (should be this morning.)
That time I was writing something. So concentrate writing le.
But don't know why my head turn and looked outside my classroom.
My god! I saw someone. Someone I miss so much! Someone that never meet him for such a long time. Someone that very important in my life. Gosh! I got shocked.
Tjj le. He's back right now!
I quickly stand up and ask sir permission to go to toilet. (sorry sir that I lied to you. I have to rush out for that. I wanna meet Tjj. He's more much important than your essay. SORRY!)
But I know sir feel bu shuang of that, but I don't care. I run from classroom to find the stupid friend.
I shout his name loudly. He turned back and looked at me. We laughed.
He brought a big bag that full of present. I taught he wanna give me my birthday present. Ceh. He NEVER think of me also.
We chatted for a while. Got many things to tell him. But he looks like very busy finding teachers.
I saw Miss Tok and of course spotted at her. Then Tjj ran away. He leave me alone there. But fine. I walked back to class. And of course feel happy. Haha.
Thanks tjj.
I really wanna sms u that time,but u appeared infront of me. U say de ma. U proposely passed through my class. Luckily I saw u,if not I missed the chance to meet u!
Someone special la stupid tjj.
I miss you a. Jia You.