Stay strong

Keep on asking myself to stay strong. I think I can. Cannot use the word think anymore. It is the must for me to stay strong.
It is not worth for me to put him in my life anymore. I know. I trying my best. Don't cry. Don't ever drop my tears for him. Its enough. Stop it.
But my heart feels pain. Someone told me something. I get to know something unexpected. I'm speechless. I don't know what to do anymore.
His way to hurt me. And he succeed. I have nothing else to say. Just face the fact. I promised my friends. I have to stay strong. I must stay strong. I should stay strong. I need to stay strong.
Don't ever want to disappointed my dear friends. My promise. I trying harder. Push myself more to get through this.
Hopefully, I didn't wait for his message anymore. From now on, I hope my life will be wonderful without him. But as everyone know, it will be suffer without him. Hope he will Jia You and I never wnat to leave him no matter how.
"I'm here. Always here." Just for him.
Persuade myself to stay strong. And don't cry. Must smile. =)

p/s: Tjj. I'm here always for you too. Jia You.

Night

I on my phone and trying to type him a message. I ask him to take care and jia you.
But I press cancel when its half way sending the message.
Haha. I still like that. Lost the the courage to find him.
Why must I start the conversation first but not him?
I know I can't ask why anymore. It's useless.
Damn. My tears drop again. I keep on wiping it so that no one knows I was crying.
I closed my eyes and his words appeared again and again.
No more promises. I understood.
Just I keep on lying myself. I know also.
Right now it is the time to make everything fade.
No more any memories.
It should end right now.

Sorry

I should apologize to someone at the first. Sorry.
I read his blog and I feel something.
Sentimentel. I thought he's saying about me.
But it's himself.
I don't know what to say anymore.
He helped me whenever I really need someone be with me.
He will reply my message as soon as possible and always instruct me to take care of my health.
I should appreciate it as well.
I did appreciated, but I never ever concern about his problems.
He told me before that he will settle himself.
And of course I believe in him. He is so geng in my eyes. Really.
But then I feel that its wrong.
Everyone got his weakness.
Everyone need help no matter how geng he is.
He always pretend infront of me.
He said he feel ok with his SPM results.
But actually, he still care about it.
Its normal I think. Because I were like this last time when got my PMR results.
The feel will come back easily and you will ask WHY WHY WHY...
No WHY... This is the purpose of life.
And I just always say JIA YOU. Jia You is not enough to consult someone. I know it clearly. But I just keep on say Jia You to him. Stupid ykw. This is not enough!
But he never blame me.
Should thanks him.
I am the first ranking listener but I'm younger than him.
I admit it. I never ever know how to consult him actually.
This makes me feel guilty.
Sorry.
He keeps on helping me and consult me. Always ask me stay strong and he will backup me no matter how. I feel like crying now.
Don't know how to describe my feeling. Wu nai.
Take care my dearest friend.
I will backup you also. Really.
Find me if you really need me.
I will listen to what you wanna say.
And of course I trying my best to give you the best advices.
Sorry and thank you.
Forgive me.

p/s: Tjj, yuri.. I still remember this.. Must Jia You..

Trying

I trying my best to chase him out from my life. I know its hard. But I really work hard. First time I trying my best to controlled my tears in the dark. I stared at the sky and the stars were bright. I make a wish under the sky and ask myself not to think of him anymore. My tears still drop. My heart feels pain right now. I don't know how to describe my feeling when I read her blog. She likes him so much. I can feel that. And he might fall in love to her again, I think? I told myself before that he's mine. But I know I'm just lying myself. This is just a lie. When it's the time to wake up, I have to wake up. I know. Really understand. I'm growing right now. "Let the tears drop ba. Just cry. Don't press yourself anymore." Someone told me. Ya, and of course I trying my best. But I wonder why, my mind now just full of him. I off my phone again and hope to receive his message when I on back my phone. But I know, I'm sick of waiting his message. I started to lose my confidence again and again. I delete his contact from my phone. I wanna delete all his messages. This is what I promised myself. But I still left some. Haha. My heart says don't want. I have to follow what my heart says. Respect my heart. Sounds funny right? Stupid ykw. I feel depressed. No why. Haha. I miss him. I still miss him. But I trying my best and really work hard. Persuade myself not to think of him. I know it's really funny. But it works. Keep on pretending. Keep on forgetting. Keep on smiling. Keep on hurting. Keep on be myself. Keep on loving. Keep on trying.

hbykw

I saw him. The him that we never meet for almost 2 years.
I always plan that what I'm going to do when I meet him.
I want to talk with him.
I want to punish him.
I want to kick him.
I want to tell him I miss him.
But when I saw him, my mind was stick.
I can't say anything or do anything.
I don't know why I turned moody when he appeared.
He never looked at my eyes or even say hi to me.
I stand beside him but he treat this as transparent.
He's still that cruel to me.
My heart no more feeling and of course won't cry.
Finally I got a good reason for myself to forget him.
Never want to left any memories.
Really really chase him out from my life.
No more hbykw.
Believe myself.

Pain

No pain no gain. Who says? I got the pain but still no gain. Useless.
Its raining heavily right now. My heart feel pain. I listening the songs I like. I tell myself to stay happy and of course don't think of him.
I wonder why. My heart feel pain. This called growth. Someone told me this. "This is growth. One part of your life to be growth."
My tears screaming down. I scare the thunder. It been strike my heart without any of his message appear in my inbox.
I off my phone and hope to get his message when I on back my phone. But he NEVER. NEVER means NEVER.
I hugged the pillow. Let me cry silently. I still cannot treat this as nothing. I'm still a failure. Give me a chance to miss him.
The rain becomes heavier. The god get mad or sad? I don't know. Trying my best to ask the god don't cry. So as myself, big girl don't cry.


p/s:I miss him. So much.

Raining

Was raining heavily last two nights. The thunder was scary. I know it won't strike me. But my heart been struck by it. It's pain, really pain. I on my phone to wait for his message. But he NEVER NEVER send me even 1 message to ask me don't scare. I'm still a failure because I still miss him so much. Nono, I cannot think of him anymore. Jia You.

Tired...

Just finished do my homeworks. Feeling so tired.
Today no school because its Nabi Muhammad s.a.w's birthday... Wish him "happy birthday".
I miss him so much suddenly. I thought I won't cry,but my tears drop. The memories come back. I keep on controlling my mind, but I still failure.I hugged the pillow he gave me. I feel the warmth of his hands. His hair his eyes his face his smile. I remembered. I tell myself not to think of him. Ykw of course wky. But, really ykw wky? So easy?
I growing up. Give me sometimes. Time might cure the wounds. I believe this. I trying my best. I will Jia You.
But for now, give me the chance. Give me the chance to miss him. Give me the chance to think of him. Give me the chance to get back the memories with him. Give me the chance to cry. Give me the chance to scold myself stupid. Just give me the chance.
I feel tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of losing.
I'm really tired.
My heart...feel tired.
I want to rest. Just for now.
I miss him. As much as he missed me. Don't cry.

Someone

Today I saw someone.
Someone that really kansai friend.
He never tell me that he will come back to school even though we sms until 1am last night. (should be this morning.)
That time I was writing something. So concentrate writing le.
But don't know why my head turn and looked outside my classroom.
My god! I saw someone. Someone I miss so much! Someone that never meet him for such a long time. Someone that very important in my life. Gosh! I got shocked.
Tjj le. He's back right now!
I quickly stand up and ask sir permission to go to toilet. (sorry sir that I lied to you. I have to rush out for that. I wanna meet Tjj. He's more much important than your essay. SORRY!)
But I know sir feel bu shuang of that, but I don't care. I run from classroom to find the stupid friend.
I shout his name loudly. He turned back and looked at me. We laughed.
He brought a big bag that full of present. I taught he wanna give me my birthday present. Ceh. He NEVER think of me also.
We chatted for a while. Got many things to tell him. But he looks like very busy finding teachers.
I saw Miss Tok and of course spotted at her. Then Tjj ran away. He leave me alone there. But fine. I walked back to class. And of course feel happy. Haha.
Thanks tjj.
I really wanna sms u that time,but u appeared infront of me. U say de ma. U proposely passed through my class. Luckily I saw u,if not I missed the chance to meet u!
Someone special la stupid tjj.
I miss you a. Jia You.