27/05/08

I was with him for 9 hours. But we NEVER talk. Even one sentence. Our distance can't even back to last time. I feel scare of this. I can't stranglehold the feeling. He can act like nothing. Or really he didn't act. He is really nothing. No more feeling towards me. His heart stop and stay for her? I don't know. I keep on giving chances but I get nothing.

We hold the mic and sang our song. My tears drop unstoppable. Luckily my friends switched off the light. Nobody knows I cried. He didn't mention that my voice changed and started to cry. He don't know everything. My mind appear everything with him when the melody played. He keep his smile on his face and still act like usual. We finished the song but I can't see his mind anymore. I didn't get his sight and didn't get his warmth. I'm alone and he is alone too.

My heart feels tired. I wanna ask him why. But finally I didn't. He feels tired too. He is tiring because of me. Because I keep on disturb him. Because I never want to believe him. Expectable. We used to be like this. I want to take a deep rest but my mind can't stop thinking of him. I saw his inbox. Full of her messages. I wonder whether he used the same method to talk with her. It been confusing days by days. I have no more stamina to wait for his steps. He don't want to let me know everything but he wants me to understand him. I feel sick of his way.

I don't know what else can I do. Just drop my tears but I know that is pointless. I rather keep my heart in a safety place and protect it as well to prevent getting woes and wounds from him. I'm cruel. But he is more cruel. Pretend is a good way to protect himself. But I want myself to protect him without any reaction. I didn't think before. He trying to reject everything from me is just to protect me. Isn't truth? From his heart.

I still will think many excuses to explain to myself why he did those things. I still like that. Gain back my confident but spoil it easily. I should accept the truth. He is not mine anymore. Go with her without leaving anything for me then I'll be happy. With my truth heart. Ykw, Jia You. Go petrol station if you no more you to jia. Stop thinking of him. Stop crying. Stop loving. Stop bleeding. STOP everything right now. Be strong. Don't cry.