Tonight

I was shocked when received his message. Everything just pointless if I keep on disturbing his life. He said he will leave me. But why he still remember what I said? Why he still follow what I asked for? Why he still like to pretend infront of me? Why he still that stubborn? Why? I feel sick of asking this anymore.

I miss him. Still waiting for his reply. Already 30 minutes, but he never reply. I cried but I will still wait. I know, I shouldn't be like this anymore. I just keep on giving myself a good excuse to wait him back to my life. But he don't know. Doubtless, I lose. Lose to myself. I won't cry. I believe that he will reply my message. Waiting..... Don't Cry,

25/04/08

I heard her name once, but my heart feels pain for a very long time. I don't know why I still will care of him and her. I shouldn't think so much anymore. Let it be. Just let it. Cannot cry anymore. Don't cry. Be strong.

23/04/08

Played my violin and my mind appeared someone. My tears still drop. I worry about him. But he keep on telling me not to care about him. Wtf am I doing? I still like to disturb him and ask him whether feeling better or not. I get nothing from him. No worth no value? I don't know. He still like that. Doesn't reply my message. Never mind. I promised I will wait for the reply. It is 1.05am right now. Just finished my biology homeworks. I still waiting. I wonder why I still like that. Haha. My brothers asked me before, why I like him so much? Haha. I myself also don't know why. I still waiting. Pray for me.

Give me the chance to wait for the message. Let me become that stubborn and stupid. Just let me become like this. I still like that. Never changed. I still miss him. Trying my best not to cry. Don't cry.

p/s: It is 23rd. 2 months. Haha. Really cannot predict our life. I won't forgot everything happened on that day. 2023. Don't cry. ykw wky.

19/04/08

Just received someone's message. I just wanna ask the someone to take care. And don't ever try to think of the stupid guy anymore. Take care my dear=) I will always right here to support you!

My tears screaming out when I reply her message. I still think of him. F myself. I don't know what to do. Sit on the chair and started to view her blog. I become more worst. SHIT! I found out something. Something that make my heart feels damn pain right now. He just remember what he promised her. He forgot everything of me. HE FORGOT!!

I don't know what to say anymore. He is cruel. Cruel than everyone in this world. I feel like asking him many things. Will he feels happy when see I crazy loving him? Will he feels happy when knowing I will jealous when he be with her? Will he feels happy when knowing I still drop my tears for him? Will he feels happy when I said I wanna give up on him? ......... I'm speechless.

He never ever want anything from me. I really hate myself so much. Why I still cry? Why I can't control my tears? Why I cannot let him go? Why I still so stubborn? Why? No why. Ykw is like this. Still so stupid. Still think that he will comes back to me. Still feel that got chance. Still want to wait for him not to pretend. Still want to talk with him. Still like him so much.

Never mind. Persuading myself just for last time. I say I don't want him anymore. Not worth for me to wait him turns his sight back for me anymore. Not worth at all. My life will be that peaceful and meaningful even though without him. I really feel disappointed and no more hope to myself anymore. Confusing. Really confuse.

Why he wants to say lie? I thought he said he don't want her anymore? I thought he said he just want me to be with him? I thought he said he treat her as only good friend? I thought he said he will be with me no matter how? I thought. Everything just thought. At last, no more thought. He and her look match to be couple. Its truth.

No more. End up right now. Just let him keep on be with her. And of course she is willing to be with him. I don't want to trust him anymore. Let it. He want trust me or not I don't care. And I won't ever try to trust him anymore. I don't know whether he lied or not. I just know my heart feels pain when I knew something.

Don't cry don't cry don't cry. But I still cry. He don't know I still cannot treat his action as nothing. He don't know I still feel jealous when he be with her. He don't know I still care of him. He don't know I still like him that much. He don't know. I am not that strong to stay beside him without any reaction. I don't have enough stamina to stay till the end of this story.

Let her to continue the journey ba. I keep on telling myself this. Ykw, stay strong. Don't care of them anymore. He wants her, just give him be. She wants him, just let her be. I will still be myself no matter how. Because I am ykw. But this ykw still very useless. My hears feeling cold cold and tired. Very very very tired.

Couting 12345678910. But he just remember 54. With her but not me. I lose. Again and again. Tears still drop. But I said no more him in my life. I still want to study. I will try my best to study hard. Miss him but I will treat his everyone just as memories. Thats all. Don't love. Don't cry.

Basketball

Just came back from basketball court. Today ponteng and went to watch basketball match. I should be happy. But don't know why, the feeling not same at all. The feel not like last time. I just feel wu nai only. Haha. Sounds funny le. My favourite place le. But I never ever feel happy. I know why. Its him. Haha.

The memories with him come back again. Hbykw. Haha. Useless la. The place he promised me something. The place I scolded him. The place we meet. The place he sweat and played basketball. I remember his pose. Kanasai only. Haha. So funny when with him. Really. He likes to make me smile. I like to see his stupid funny pattern. I miss that. Miss the memories alot.

But for just now, I can't even feel happy with that. No more feeling. Looking at all the players playing ball to score marks. I might think of him. Haha. Let it be. Hby only ma. No more no more. I know I know. I got new one ma. But the new one same same only. Both treat me very cruel. But never mind, I used to be like this. Exactly be like this.

After that, I saw the new him. Haha. He dressed up whole set white colour. My favourite le. Haha. My heart feels pain suddenly when I know he is with me. But we still like that. Never say hi. Never smile. Never talk. I stared at him but he still act that cool. Haha. My god. I still like to stare at him. I want to see his smile. But he never ever smile infront of me. Shouldn't feel disappointed of that. He likes to treat me like this. He don't want to influenced my everything. But he don't know that if he never do anything, it might influenced me. He don't know. Still that stupid kia.

He walked out from basketball court but I don't know. I feel depressed. Why suddenly depressed? I also don't know. Weird that I feel depressed. Ykw really sot sot. Why a? No why. Haha. Keep it on. Be like this should be alright. I say bye bye to him when he walked. He never turn his sight to the back for me. My sight stop at his back. Feel like hug him suddenly. Wanna tell him I miss him. But I know, I can't do this. No more. I won't cry.

Midnight

It is 1am right now. I doing nothing just spend my precious time like this. Gonna f myself. How could I waste my time like this since mid year exam just around the corner? I don't know how and don't know why. Can't really concentrate on my studies. Tjj sure worry. Haha. Sorry to make you worry. I trying my best k.

Still the same to say. I miss him. My inbox still remain the same. No new message from him. Feel disappointed. Disappointed on myself because I still waiting for his message. Never mind. Take my time to do what my heart wants. Everything will be fine with the time passed. I keep on persuading myself. It seems works. Really works. I enjoying using this method.

I don't want to do the same things again and again. Just let it be. Shun Xi Zhi Ran might be better than force. Don't want to force him to talk with me. Don't want to force him to trust me. Don't want to force him to love me in return. I respect his decision. what he want to do just do. I might care but I trying not to care. Treat his everything as transparent. This my talent.

Just keep on pretending to be myself. Don't cry for him. Don't think of him. Don't care of him. Really DON'T. I can do it as well. But why my mind stuck suddenly? I think of her. She got the same feeling too? I don't know. Not dare to ask her. Someone told me before. "Let your love go if everything cannot make it as well." Ya. I letting my love to go. Just go anywhere you want but not my heart. I keep the memories in my deepest of heart. But gonna throw it one by one. Slowly to let everything fade.

No stars tonight I guess. Playing the songs he likes. Ykw, don't cry.

Merit!!

"Congratulation! You got merit for your organ exam!"Haha. Shouldn't feel happy for this. I can score higher result. Thanks tjj. So proud le.

I read someone's blog. Friendship really important in our life. I feel like don't want to lose him. He is a very important friend of mine. I can't lost him. I can't. But what can I do to keep our distance by not become stranger? We still like that. Never talk. He still laugh and do stupid things and I still keep quite and do my parts. Time really can cure the wounds. I still believe this.

I don't know what to do. She miss him alot. He's cruel. Feel like scold her so that she might wake up and not to love him anymore. This is the reason for myself to give up on him actually. I won't scold her. She got her own feelings and chances. I can't be so stingy to get all the opportunities so that she can accompany me to forget him. I prefer alone. I hope he will treasure her and of course she don't give up him. I will be happy although my heart will feel pain. But everything will be enough and worth when I see his smile. I like his smile. So much.

I waking up. No more him for right now. I must study hard. For myself. He is just someone that come through my life and spoiling my life. I won't let this happen. I won't. Asking myself whether I can do so? To be honest, I keep on laughing at myself. Ykw still that stupid. Still like to pretend. Still like to say lie. No wonder he didn't trust me. I say lie. To myself. Haha. My brain really disconnect. No medicine to cure.

Let it be. As usual. Try to treat everything as nothing. No pain no hurt no feeling. He doesn't care so I won't care. He doesn't talk so I won't talk. He doesn't want so I won't want. Just let it. My heart still can effort the rhythm of his heartbeat. I still can control my tears without his words. Don't even want everyone to put their sympathy's eye sight on me. I am strong. I might be strong. No matter how no matter what. With him or without him.

Thinking of what he will feel and say when I leave. I still like to think so much. He won't do anything and of course still speechless. I know. I know. Just hope he will Jia You yet he really hardworking. This seems our things didn't affect him at all. Haha. I should be happy or sad? Happy because he still did well for studies? Or sad that he never ever care of me? I don't know. Confusing.

"If you want to leave, I won't ask you to stay." Kenji Wu's lyrics really touch my heart. He will be like this if I really leave. He will. Just don't think so much. I want to hold his hand and tell him I miss him. I want to talk with him and get his smile as the return. I want to argue with him without influenced our relationship. I want to give up on him without any feeling. But I know, I still giving excuses not to give up on him. Tears screaming out with the mind full of him. He still that powerful that might full up my mind. Miss him. For right now.

11/4/08

I sit down silently and turn my sight on him. His smile still that cute for me. I don't know whether he's pretending or what. He becomes sot sot nowadays. So as I myself, become more quiet. This might be a good thing for everyone. I still like usual. Do my things as usual. But without him. Him warmth and his concern.

I played the song he likes infront of our friends. He never ever come with me and praise me or laugh at me. He stand at the corner and talking with other friends. I didn't turn my sight to look at him. I don't know how his feeling when he heard the song. I don't know what he will think of when he heard the song. My tears rolling in my eyes and I keep on playing the song. Closed my eyes properly and don't let anyone to see my tears.

I walked left and he walked right. But we still meet. Just we didn't say bye to each other. We looked at each other eyes but still speechless. I don't know why my heart feel pain of that. I used to be like this. I trying my best not to think of him. My new life starting a. Have to continue without any affection. Don't ever want to affect my studies. My SPM. My pathway. My future. My life. Just myself.

Don't think so much. No stars tonight. I don't know. Off my phone and lying on the bed. I hugged the pillow and wipe my tears. End up everything right now. Don't cry. Must smile.

Smile?!

Persuading myself to smile and smile and smile. Don't even drop a single tears for him anymore. I don't want to cry for him. He's cruel. Cruel than me. I feel like asking him why, but I still speechless when he is with me. And of course, he never with me also. Haha.

Just I so stupid stared at him and hope he will turn his sight back and look at me. But he NEVER. He still like that. Never changed. He likes to walk infront of me no matter how. I trying my best not to let him surpass me, but he might faster than me. He should know I hate to walk behind him, yet he still like to do that. Looking at his back, I feel like crying suddenly. My tears rolling in my eyes. I slap myself and ask myself to wake up. I have to wake up.

Was raining heavily just now. I scare the thunder. But he didn't with me. I looked at him. He should know I looking at him. But he turn his sight to another girl. He still smile like usual. Wtf. Just I myself think too much. I thought he will come with me and ask me don't scare. I thought. I close my eyes and wipe my tears. My mind appear his words. Haha. I hope he didn't see my tears. I am strong. Still that strong even though without him.

She looked at him. I know she feels suffer also. But what can I do? I still don't know. Din even brave to talk with her. I feel fear. Scare that another incident will happen. He won't trust me no matter how. He won't he won't he won't. Just let me alone. I feel lonely when he didn't talk with me. We both still speechless. We used to be like this. Always like this. No talk no smile.

Waiting and waiting for his message. His phone got credit and he read my message. But he never ever want to reply me. I feel disappointed on myself. "Ykw, wake up." My mind asking me to do this. But my heart says:"Give him a chance. He will always with you. Just give him the chance no matter how hurt he treats you." I gonna turn crazy. I can't even study. Hugging the pillow. I miss him.

Listening the song "yue ai yue nan guo" by Kenji Wu. The lyrics makes my tears.
"If you want to leave, I won't ask you to stay. I don't care how hurt will I after you leave. I just want you to tell me what you want even though just one sentence. That is more than enough." I will be strong. Be selfish to myself. He is cruel. I will be cruel. Don't cry. Don't love.

9/4/08

I failed my sejarah. What should I say? I really don't know. I didn't feel sad or anything. I just feel that myself really stupid. Isn't worth to do this? For him? Just for him. I really don't know. I am such a failure. I keep on asking myself whether worth or not. Although I know the answer clearly.

My new life still like that. I didn't follow the promises. I still like that. Still care of him. Still concern about him. Still think of him. Still miss him. He never ever want to believe me. He didn't trust me anymore. My heart feels nothing. No pain no hurt no sad. Just like that.

My biology got only 40 marks. Everyone got 70+. Teacher asked me why my result so bad? I don't know how to answer her. I told her I really study hard and memories for bio. but I don't know why when sitting for test, my mind blank. First time I feel that scare and panic when exam. My mind just blank. And just appear him and her. Wtf. I just tikam for the test. I forgot everything. Really. Damn.

I wonder why my life become like this. Just like shit only. I didn't expect myself will turns this. Unpredictable. But I can decide because this is my life. But everything changed. His heart his way his smile. Tis is so cruel and this makes my tears. I shouldn't think so much anymore. I cannot think so much.

The stars are bright and nice. I miss him. Really. I hate myself like this. I still cannot wake up. I...... Lose everything. Waiting for his message. But I know, he will never reply. Never mind. Stars are bright plus the songs I like. this is more than enough.

7/4/08

We still remain the same. Never like to talk. But this is better than didn't talk. Everyone says both of us look more happy and more close compare with last time. I just keep on laughing when I heard this. They don't know my tears rolling in my eyes. I keep on telling myself just admit it. We are still that good. Should be more much better compare with last time, right? I don't know. Really don't know.

I still that useless. I still that failure. My new life should be alright now but I spoil everything. I still not that strong enough to face the pain. I thought I can treat what I seen as nothing. I THOUGHT. But actually I still can't. I still care. My heart still feels pain. But never mind. I persuading myself not to be like this anymore. Just let my tears drop. Then I'll be fine. Just talk with him like usual. He won't even care of my feeling. So, I would let him know that I can be myself even though he hurts me. Just like that.

54.....This is a pain. I don't know what this mean. But it might hurt me. I still will think so much of that. Keep on guessing what's happening. Keep on pretending that I really don't care. Keep on caring what he's thinking of. I wonder why I still so stubborn. My friends are supporting me and I keep on making them disappointed. I really 38. Should scold myself siao po. I rather to be siao po. Because I still like him that much.

I am speechless right now. But I got many things to share. Share with my blog. I don't know who else can I find. I don't want my friends to feel that I very stupid. I don't want they feel disappointed on me again and again. I feel lonely and miss him. I delete all his messages in my inbox. I can do this. But I waiting for his message. Wtf am I doing right now? Stupid ykw. I don't know how to concentrate on my sejarah. Got test tomorrow. I think of his words. Ykw wky.

I listening wo ke yi. Damn. I can't control my tears. Today no stars I think. I promised myself before, don't ever see stars again. I guess. Guess the stars. Guess his heart. Should stop it. Ya. I know it clearly. I will stop it. My heart feel pain when 1st time got hurt. Feel pain when 2nd time got hurt. When 3rd time, my heart can afford the pain. 4th time, everything get fade. I waiting to get the 5th, 6th, 7th...etc. Got more pain more hurt, I'll give up easily. I still like to cry. I still like him.

He remember 54 with her. But he forgot something with me. The something. Haha. I will put smile on my face. Won't think so much. His things not my business anymore. Shouldn't be anymore, cause never ever my business before. Haha. Just like that ba. Let it be. Give me a deep rest when I got enough hurt from him. I will let him hurt me without any reaction. I willing to get hurt. Don't cry. Stay strong.

=.='

I went basketball court and saw them practising my favourite sports. It was surprising because it have been long time I never step into basketball court. The feel still like that. With him or without him is the same. Ykw really useless. I might not think of him anymore. But the memories with him comes back. I closed my eyes and scold myself. I cannot think of him. Really no more. Hby. Bye bye.

31/3/08

Its was a special day for me. I passed my car test. It means I got license P. Can drive. Should be happy actually, but I never fell that happy. I sms him, and wait for his reply. But he never reply.
The stars were bright and nice. I stared at the dark dark sky and talked to myself. Today is the last day for me to think of him. My new life will be start on 1st of april. I have to be strong. I must be strong. Its the right time to end up everything.
I keep on telling myself this. And my tears rolling down like hell. I cried in the dark with the cold of night. This might be the good experience. Haha. Stupid ykw. I miss him. So much. But I can't be so stubborn anymore. I should think of my future. My SPM. My pathway after that.
Everything will back to the normal start tomorrow. Its april fool. I have to keep on pretend. Keep on putting smile on my face. Keep on don't think too much. Everything should be ok I hope so.
My hearts feel hot. Don't know why. I closed my eyes. The memories with him come through my mind. His eyes his hair his face his smile his hand his warmth his words his anger his concern his everything. I remembered. I kept this all in my heart and never get these fade.
I admit. I still like him. So much. But I'll let go everything. Should be more happy without him. I promised my friends. And of course myself. Even tough this really suffer, but just let it. I believe in time. It might cure my wound as well.
No more You to Jia. I will stop everything. With him or without him. No more. Wake up at the possible time. Persuade myself not to cry. Don't cry. Don't ever cry.