I was with him for 9 hours. But we NEVER talk. Even one sentence. Our distance can't even back to last time. I feel scare of this. I can't stranglehold the feeling. He can act like nothing. Or really he didn't act. He is really nothing. No more feeling towards me. His heart stop and stay for her? I don't know. I keep on giving chances but I get nothing.
We hold the mic and sang our song. My tears drop unstoppable. Luckily my friends switched off the light. Nobody knows I cried. He didn't mention that my voice changed and started to cry. He don't know everything. My mind appear everything with him when the melody played. He keep his smile on his face and still act like usual. We finished the song but I can't see his mind anymore. I didn't get his sight and didn't get his warmth. I'm alone and he is alone too.
My heart feels tired. I wanna ask him why. But finally I didn't. He feels tired too. He is tiring because of me. Because I keep on disturb him. Because I never want to believe him. Expectable. We used to be like this. I want to take a deep rest but my mind can't stop thinking of him. I saw his inbox. Full of her messages. I wonder whether he used the same method to talk with her. It been confusing days by days. I have no more stamina to wait for his steps. He don't want to let me know everything but he wants me to understand him. I feel sick of his way.
I don't know what else can I do. Just drop my tears but I know that is pointless. I rather keep my heart in a safety place and protect it as well to prevent getting woes and wounds from him. I'm cruel. But he is more cruel. Pretend is a good way to protect himself. But I want myself to protect him without any reaction. I didn't think before. He trying to reject everything from me is just to protect me. Isn't truth? From his heart.
I still will think many excuses to explain to myself why he did those things. I still like that. Gain back my confident but spoil it easily. I should accept the truth. He is not mine anymore. Go with her without leaving anything for me then I'll be happy. With my truth heart. Ykw, Jia You. Go petrol station if you no more you to jia. Stop thinking of him. Stop crying. Stop loving. Stop bleeding. STOP everything right now. Be strong. Don't cry.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Now
My heart feels pain right now. I cant stranglehold my feeling anymore. My mind keep on appearing everything we had. I can't even do anything anymore. Don't cry. But my tears still drop. I hate to be alone. But I'm always alone.
I'm an angel but also a devil. An angel that forgive everything he done no matter how pain he hurts me. A devil that want to keep on disturbing him although he asked me to stop this. It been confusing when time pass. I can't catch his sight and know his mind. I waiting my heart to be wilt and forgot everything about him.
I prefer to be failure than give up. But no choice between this. The choice is only the fact that I have to face. He is gone. Leave without anything. What for I still hesitate? I don't know what to do. I know that is the way he tried to protect himself from getting woes and pain from me. But that is also the fastest way to hurt me without any reaction.
I'm speechless. He still like to stare at me. But he still choose to be quite. Sound funny. But we used to be like this. Give me a chance then I will slap him. I want him to look into my eyes and my turn to be speechless. Haha. I gonna turn crazy. I'm sick of his way. I can't endure anymore. I'm not that strong enough to effort the pain anymore.
Time can cure my wounds. Have to trust this. I will try my best to get the best. For my own. Because this is my life. But for right now, I miss him. 2023. Jia You. Don't cry.
I'm an angel but also a devil. An angel that forgive everything he done no matter how pain he hurts me. A devil that want to keep on disturbing him although he asked me to stop this. It been confusing when time pass. I can't catch his sight and know his mind. I waiting my heart to be wilt and forgot everything about him.
I prefer to be failure than give up. But no choice between this. The choice is only the fact that I have to face. He is gone. Leave without anything. What for I still hesitate? I don't know what to do. I know that is the way he tried to protect himself from getting woes and pain from me. But that is also the fastest way to hurt me without any reaction.
I'm speechless. He still like to stare at me. But he still choose to be quite. Sound funny. But we used to be like this. Give me a chance then I will slap him. I want him to look into my eyes and my turn to be speechless. Haha. I gonna turn crazy. I'm sick of his way. I can't endure anymore. I'm not that strong enough to effort the pain anymore.
Time can cure my wounds. Have to trust this. I will try my best to get the best. For my own. Because this is my life. But for right now, I miss him. 2023. Jia You. Don't cry.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
23/05/08
I sit on the sofa and hold the mic. I sang the song we like the most. Love story. Don't know why I can't even be myself when I sang that song. I hold my tears and finished the song. I got that much courage to finish the song. Love myself. Haha. He didn't with me. First time I felt that lonely when heard this song. Without him. My tears running off in my eyes so I close my eyes. I don't want anyone to see my tears. I don't want. I miss him. But I can't do anything. Let it be. Take my time and I'll be better. Jia You. I trying not to cry. Don't cry.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Final
So tired. Keep on revise my biology. Everyone sure non-stop reading bio right now. Haha.
Last night Thomas Cup final was so interesting. For those who watched, I confirm u have the same feeling. China again. They won again. Pity Korea. But not my business la. Malaysia already say bye bye. Lin Dan, the first single from China versus Park Sung-hwan from Korea. I thought Park will win. But he still lose because Lin Dan's wind came back. So proud of Lee Chong Wei because Lin Dan lose to him. Only HIM!
Fu Hai Feng and Cai Yun not enough stamina to fight with Jung Jae-sung and Lee Yong-dae. Korea really geng. Got a tight match between them. And of course Fu Hai Feng and Cai Yun lose. They old liao la. but still leng zai.
My Bao Chun Lai turn versus Lee Hyun-il. So nervous. Love Bao Chun Lai so much. He really look like Jei Shen. They both having a tight match. My BCL won for the match finally. Haha. So proud le.
Xie Zhong Bo and Guo Zheng Dong (know their name liao) I thought they will lose to Lee Jae-jin and Hwang Ji-man. But they won. Unexpected and unbelievable. Korea's supporter sure scold them. Haha. They lost their Thomas champion.
China still the best of the best. I just hope that Malaysia will work harder and get good results in Olympic. Don't lose. Jia You.
Have to continue my biology. Pray for myself. Good Luck.
P/S:I miss him so much right now. Persuading myself not to cry for him. Don't cry.
Last night Thomas Cup final was so interesting. For those who watched, I confirm u have the same feeling. China again. They won again. Pity Korea. But not my business la. Malaysia already say bye bye. Lin Dan, the first single from China versus Park Sung-hwan from Korea. I thought Park will win. But he still lose because Lin Dan's wind came back. So proud of Lee Chong Wei because Lin Dan lose to him. Only HIM!
Fu Hai Feng and Cai Yun not enough stamina to fight with Jung Jae-sung and Lee Yong-dae. Korea really geng. Got a tight match between them. And of course Fu Hai Feng and Cai Yun lose. They old liao la. but still leng zai.
My Bao Chun Lai turn versus Lee Hyun-il. So nervous. Love Bao Chun Lai so much. He really look like Jei Shen. They both having a tight match. My BCL won for the match finally. Haha. So proud le.
Xie Zhong Bo and Guo Zheng Dong (know their name liao) I thought they will lose to Lee Jae-jin and Hwang Ji-man. But they won. Unexpected and unbelievable. Korea's supporter sure scold them. Haha. They lost their Thomas champion.
China still the best of the best. I just hope that Malaysia will work harder and get good results in Olympic. Don't lose. Jia You.
Have to continue my biology. Pray for myself. Good Luck.
P/S:I miss him so much right now. Persuading myself not to cry for him. Don't cry.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
No more
I miss him. I still like to cry when think of him. Just let this be. I can't control him although I know he feels suffer too. Everything depends on fate. We used to be like this. Being controlled by the fate. Don't ever put confident on it. He won't comes back. I trying my best. This time is truth. Don't want to lie to myself anymore. Treat his everything as normal. Don't talk don't smile don't love don't think don't do don't see don't want and of course don't cry. I will stay strong without him. Take care.
P/S: Tc vs Kw---No more.
P/S: Tc vs Kw---No more.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thomas Cup
I feel like crying suddenly. Just came back from tuition and know that Malaysia lose in semi final match. Versus China. The first geng team in the world. Don't know why I feel so sad. Knowing that Malaysia's players put more and more effort on it but still fail. Lee Chong Wei did a good job. He really played well when fight with Lin Dan. Maybe his ranking will be the first after this. Maybe la. Lin Dan never played well for the match. Haha. So shuang. But LD still that fit and leng zai.
After that my Koo Kien Keat and Woan Ling's Tan Boon Heong. Wtf were they doing? Shouldn't put the blame on them. They tried their best already. But I ponder, it is their best? I don't think so. I still remember I watched the live match before in Bukit Jalil. They did a good job last time when versus the same person. Cai Yun and Fu Hai Feng. But they lost the point. Maybe they faced the pressure from everyone. Everyone expect that both of them will get one point for Malaysia. But they failed. Haiz. Kkk and Tbh sure very disappointed. So as me and WL. FHF still so yeng. Leng zai la. CY quite good for the match also. Admire them. China wor.
Then Wong Chong Han's turn versus my Bao Chun Lai. BCL really looked like Jei Shen. So cute. He got enough stamina to fight with WCH since WCH really old already. But I still hope WCH will win for the match. But Tjj, my livescore when I went for tutiton, he s me and said WCH lose until so charm. My mood gone and can't really concentrate on tuition. Haiz. But never mind, of course my BCL better la. So proud.
After that second double. ..... .....(Sorry to Malaysia players. I don't know you guys name. But I will check it out k.) versus ...... ...... (I don't know them. Paiseh la. Sorry to China.) My livescore s me again and said Malaysia won. So happy. Haha. My mood came back. I can think of their happiness. And of course so nervous la. 2-2 le. Who didn't feel nervous de tell me.
The last match. Third single. Hafiz versus Chen Jin. See also know Chen Jin will win la. But still have to depends on the luck la. But finally Hafiz really lose. Chen Jin look so happy. Every China players put the smile on their face and cheers! Kanasai. But my BCL look so cute. Haha. Malaysia lose. 3-2. My heart feels pain. Don't know why. My tears really running off my eyes when the moment know that Malaysia lose. SHIT!
What to do? Haiz. Nothing to do. Hope all Malaysia's players will put more effort for the coming soon tournament. Kkk and Tbh sure will get scolded by the coach. Pity guys. But fine. Face the fact. Jia You. To all Malaysia's players. We are proud of you guys.
Thomas Cup final. No more Malaysia. Don't cry.
After that my Koo Kien Keat and Woan Ling's Tan Boon Heong. Wtf were they doing? Shouldn't put the blame on them. They tried their best already. But I ponder, it is their best? I don't think so. I still remember I watched the live match before in Bukit Jalil. They did a good job last time when versus the same person. Cai Yun and Fu Hai Feng. But they lost the point. Maybe they faced the pressure from everyone. Everyone expect that both of them will get one point for Malaysia. But they failed. Haiz. Kkk and Tbh sure very disappointed. So as me and WL. FHF still so yeng. Leng zai la. CY quite good for the match also. Admire them. China wor.
Then Wong Chong Han's turn versus my Bao Chun Lai. BCL really looked like Jei Shen. So cute. He got enough stamina to fight with WCH since WCH really old already. But I still hope WCH will win for the match. But Tjj, my livescore when I went for tutiton, he s me and said WCH lose until so charm. My mood gone and can't really concentrate on tuition. Haiz. But never mind, of course my BCL better la. So proud.
After that second double. ..... .....(Sorry to Malaysia players. I don't know you guys name. But I will check it out k.) versus ...... ...... (I don't know them. Paiseh la. Sorry to China.) My livescore s me again and said Malaysia won. So happy. Haha. My mood came back. I can think of their happiness. And of course so nervous la. 2-2 le. Who didn't feel nervous de tell me.
The last match. Third single. Hafiz versus Chen Jin. See also know Chen Jin will win la. But still have to depends on the luck la. But finally Hafiz really lose. Chen Jin look so happy. Every China players put the smile on their face and cheers! Kanasai. But my BCL look so cute. Haha. Malaysia lose. 3-2. My heart feels pain. Don't know why. My tears really running off my eyes when the moment know that Malaysia lose. SHIT!
What to do? Haiz. Nothing to do. Hope all Malaysia's players will put more effort for the coming soon tournament. Kkk and Tbh sure will get scolded by the coach. Pity guys. But fine. Face the fact. Jia You. To all Malaysia's players. We are proud of you guys.
Thomas Cup final. No more Malaysia. Don't cry.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
13/05/08
Finally mid-year exam gonna come to the end. I feel scare because I never study hard for this time. Haha. Cannot blame anyone. This should be my own fault. Never mind. Really don't want to mind.
I feel depressed. Looking at my biology book but I just put my sight on first page. Why? I cannot be like this. I have to study hard. For biology. But I wonder why I think of him. I can't feel him anymore right? I lose his warmth and his smile. Lying on my bed and hugged the pillow. close my eyes and my tears rolling down again. I failed to be myself. I thought I can stranglehold the feeling as well but I still failed. I thought I can be strong but it seems impossible.
I don't know why I will be like this recently. The memories with him come back easily and didn't fade-out from my mind. I ponder, why memory is so harsh? I too naive to have it? Maybe. This is the purpose of life. I have to face it as well. I won't think of much of that anymore. Cannot think so much of it. Really cannot. He wouldn't be mine anymore. I have to Jia You. To be myself. Not to be obvious anymore. Because Ykw talents in pretending. Jia You. Don't cry.
P/S: Happy birthday to Chen Wai. I know I still owe u a Zinger Burger. Will pay you when we meet ya. Take good care always. Jia You too! I will drive you to KFC ya. Happy Birthday!
I feel depressed. Looking at my biology book but I just put my sight on first page. Why? I cannot be like this. I have to study hard. For biology. But I wonder why I think of him. I can't feel him anymore right? I lose his warmth and his smile. Lying on my bed and hugged the pillow. close my eyes and my tears rolling down again. I failed to be myself. I thought I can stranglehold the feeling as well but I still failed. I thought I can be strong but it seems impossible.
I don't know why I will be like this recently. The memories with him come back easily and didn't fade-out from my mind. I ponder, why memory is so harsh? I too naive to have it? Maybe. This is the purpose of life. I have to face it as well. I won't think of much of that anymore. Cannot think so much of it. Really cannot. He wouldn't be mine anymore. I have to Jia You. To be myself. Not to be obvious anymore. Because Ykw talents in pretending. Jia You. Don't cry.
P/S: Happy birthday to Chen Wai. I know I still owe u a Zinger Burger. Will pay you when we meet ya. Take good care always. Jia You too! I will drive you to KFC ya. Happy Birthday!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Why
Sometimes I ponder, why I will be like this? I feel tired of being like this. Being suffer to pretend infront of everyone. But he still like that. Never want to care. Just leave me without leaving anything. It's pain and hurt. But he don't know. He don't want to know. I shouldn't think so much. but why I still can't control my tears? Keep on persuades myself to stay strong. I have to stay strong. I need to stay strong. But I fail. I fail to be that strong enough to face everything he gave. I fail. Really fail.
Was raining heavily this morning. Thunder was so scary. I message him and hope to get his reply. but he never reply. I sit on my bed and stared at the window. Thunder struck and my tears drop. I hugged the pillow he gave me and cry silently. Keep on looking at my phone to wait for the reply message. I think of his everything. But I can't feel him anymore. No more. Haha. He don't know. He thought I'm strong.
Don't know what to say. He will be happy without me. I trying to be happy that without him. I am cruel that choose to give up on everything. Time can cure my wounds. I still believe on this. But he gives me hope and disappointed me again and again. He don't know how pain am I when I get to know that everything is just a LIE. How hurt when you get know everything is just a lie? A lie that gain my confident but break down when everything end.
I don't want to think so much anymore. Off my phone and don't wait for his message. He just needs me when he needs help? I keep on asking myself about this. I feel sick of being like this. He needs her more. I know. So, I can't do anything else. This relationship should end up immediately to prevent myself from getting more woes and wounds. He is cruel. And I will be cruel too. Jia You. I have to Jia You.
P/S:No more why. He already leave. Leave without anything. Le it fade. Don't Cry.
Was raining heavily this morning. Thunder was so scary. I message him and hope to get his reply. but he never reply. I sit on my bed and stared at the window. Thunder struck and my tears drop. I hugged the pillow he gave me and cry silently. Keep on looking at my phone to wait for the reply message. I think of his everything. But I can't feel him anymore. No more. Haha. He don't know. He thought I'm strong.
Don't know what to say. He will be happy without me. I trying to be happy that without him. I am cruel that choose to give up on everything. Time can cure my wounds. I still believe on this. But he gives me hope and disappointed me again and again. He don't know how pain am I when I get to know that everything is just a LIE. How hurt when you get know everything is just a lie? A lie that gain my confident but break down when everything end.
I don't want to think so much anymore. Off my phone and don't wait for his message. He just needs me when he needs help? I keep on asking myself about this. I feel sick of being like this. He needs her more. I know. So, I can't do anything else. This relationship should end up immediately to prevent myself from getting more woes and wounds. He is cruel. And I will be cruel too. Jia You. I have to Jia You.
P/S:No more why. He already leave. Leave without anything. Le it fade. Don't Cry.
Monday, May 5, 2008
05/05/08
So tired. I hate BM! My exam sure D-I-E! Scare the essay will out of title. Somemore the stupid bina ayat and peribahasa. SHIT! Fine. Work harder for trial and SPM. I don't have any confident. Honestly, NO MORE! Why? No why. Can't blame anyone. I myself never find back the things that should belong to me. Last time Ykw was different. I think so! Haha.
So late right now. Hate the stupid literature. Tomorrow BI. The literature part sure D-I-E! Someone told me don't look down on myself before try anything. Haha. I'm speechless. Listening Kiss Goodbye. The melody so nice! I can play it as well with piano and violin. Hehe.
I miss him. So much. Not dare to sms him and tell him what I feel. I still that failure in this part. Cannot get successful in this kind of things. Le it be. Don't think so much. And of course, I NEVER cry. My tears are precious. Haha! Not for him anymore. Jia You. Don't cry.
So late right now. Hate the stupid literature. Tomorrow BI. The literature part sure D-I-E! Someone told me don't look down on myself before try anything. Haha. I'm speechless. Listening Kiss Goodbye. The melody so nice! I can play it as well with piano and violin. Hehe.
I miss him. So much. Not dare to sms him and tell him what I feel. I still that failure in this part. Cannot get successful in this kind of things. Le it be. Don't think so much. And of course, I NEVER cry. My tears are precious. Haha! Not for him anymore. Jia You. Don't cry.
Friday, May 2, 2008
01/05/08
Finally I got his message. See, I still that idiot. Keep on doing those pointless things. Haha. I willing to do so. No why, just I too free. Nothing to do. No no no. I have to study hard. No more him in my life. I wonder why I not feel like delete his messages. Haiz. Useless.
He really still like that. Never ever changed. Still like to pretend. Still like to say sorry. Still like to quarrel with me. Still like to look into my eyes but still speechless. Still like to walk infront of me. Still like to ask me couple with another guy. Still like to leave me alone. His style. Never changed.
Fine. I have to accept it no matter how. He is not mine anymore. No no no. He never be mine before. I am fine without him? I don't know. I really don't know. Don't let him affect me anymore. His words his ways his everything. Have to stop to think of that right now. Ya ya. It's truth. NO MORE.
So long time I never ever see the stars. I miss the sky with brighten of stars. But it is pointless without his warmth. I choose to be alone. This might be better. With the dark dark sky. The cold cold wind. The pain pain heart. And the hurt hurt love. Time to say goodbye. Ykw, don't cry.
He really still like that. Never ever changed. Still like to pretend. Still like to say sorry. Still like to quarrel with me. Still like to look into my eyes but still speechless. Still like to walk infront of me. Still like to ask me couple with another guy. Still like to leave me alone. His style. Never changed.
Fine. I have to accept it no matter how. He is not mine anymore. No no no. He never be mine before. I am fine without him? I don't know. I really don't know. Don't let him affect me anymore. His words his ways his everything. Have to stop to think of that right now. Ya ya. It's truth. NO MORE.
So long time I never ever see the stars. I miss the sky with brighten of stars. But it is pointless without his warmth. I choose to be alone. This might be better. With the dark dark sky. The cold cold wind. The pain pain heart. And the hurt hurt love. Time to say goodbye. Ykw, don't cry.
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